Spring Break Getaway

We planned to visit my parents on their mission in Phoenix this last New Year's, but cancelled the trip due to mental illness. When my health improved and we started talking about spring break plans, Bobby suggested I go out to Arizona and visit my parents without the whole family. I ran with the idea and invited my good friend to join me.

If you've read my blog over the last few years, you know I don't like travelogue entries. This is not a travelogue. It is, however, a collection of things I don't want to forget about the trip.

As someone accustomed to herding children most hours of the day, I found traveling as "adults only" slightly disorienting.

As someone accustomed to constant interruption and unceasing requests for my attention, I was a little rusty at thinking my own thoughts, and found myself thinking about nothing a lot of the time. How does that happen? When I'm at home, I have lists of things I'd love to think about and do when I have a moment to myself...but take me out of that and *poof* they're gone.

All my plans fell through, except for a very enjoyable hike in the mountains on the south end of Phoenix. We took the wrong trail for some of it, but got on track again. Oops...then yay! And this is the picture I took of my friend and I at the end of the trail (which wasn't supposed to be the end, but we couldn't see how it went any further):

Either we turned invisible momentarily, or I somehow managed to fumble the job and got a picture of the rock face in front of us. I choose to believe the former. Phoenix is a magical place.

My friend asked Mom how she managed to stay strong in the gospel despite being the only member of her family in the church. That was an amazing conversation to witness. My friend also asked Dad about how he became a faithful member of the church when his dad was not going to church and neither had a couple generations of Poulsons before him. I was so grateful to hear my dad's response. Why did I never think to ask my parents those questions before?!

I woke up the 2nd morning feeling anxious. Really anxious. Nauseous and worried and unable to think straight and not wanting to make any decisions because everything feels wrong and I feel like I need to do something urgent right now but there's nothing to be done so my heart is racing and I'm all tense for nothing, but I can't stop it. And I know it's nothing, but it doesn't feel like nothing, and how long will this last and will I be able to get on the plane tomorrow? Should I stay in bed or try to work through it? I don't want to worry my mom, but something is actually wrong, but not really wrong, I'm not that bad, and there's nothing to be done but wait it out anyway, and...

*deep breath*

It was my first anxiety relapse since my initial diagnosis at Christmas. Not cool, body of mine, not cool. Thanks to the support, attention, and flexibility of everyone else, we changed our plans and spent the rest of the day at home. I hate feeling that fragile. I love being surrounded by people I love. Of all places to have a minor mental breakdown...

We got to see Kristin and Sean for dinner one night. They seem really happy, and busy, and then more busy, but it's easy to feel how much they love the work they're doing. My friend asked about how he/they received the call to be the mission president for this mission. And I got to hear about the whole process from their perspective. Fascinating! I loved it. And the brisket tacos were pretty dang tasty, too.

Sleeping in insanely long *sigh*

Talking to my parents about stuff that matters.

Learning to play Canasta.

Knowing that Bobby and the kids were having a great time in Chicago without me. I'll let him fill you in on those details.

Warm, dry wind and lots of sunshine every day.

I had a great time, but I was ready to be home in the end. That's a good feeling, too.

Parent/Teacher Conferences

Matthew: From his preschool teacher Ms. Rohrer: "He's all sunshine and rainbows! Miss Julie and I are always saying, 'Gosh, if we could just bottle up Matthew and keep that attitude with us all the time!' He loves art and journal time. He really loved our recent segment on pets, especially the guinea pig. He plays with everyone. We're trying to help him stand up for himself more."

James: From his kindergarten teacher: "I should have told you not to come! I have NO concerns with this guy. He will do what is expected of him every time, whatever the standard. He has friends, and he's also completely comfortable working independently. He was a tough nut to crack at first, but now we're working really well together."

Robert: From his third grade teacher: "Robert has a really good group of friends. I loved seeing the look on his face when we covered something in math he hadn't learned about yet. And he seems to be getting more outgoing and confident, like a leader, and is comfortable explaining his reasoning to his whole class of peers."

Alice: From her math teacher and science teacher, "Alice is an angel. A real peach. She's bright and engaging and talkative. She participates in class discussions and works well with others. She's always offering to help and even the substitute teachers leave notes saying how helpful Alice was to them! She's strong. She tells us everything about her little brothers and her family and everything."

I also talked to Alice's social studies teacher (her favorite of all) and her band teacher. Alice is really, really open with her life and tells these teachers everything she is thinking. They all know about her recent bouts of anxiety and difficulty getting to sleep. They know everything I know about her. It's crazy. They love her, too. They know 6th grade has been rough for her and she's considering private school for the rest of middle school. And I'm glad they knew that, actually, because we could talk openly about her 6th grade experience and their ideas for how to make next year a better experience for her. I'm glad I talked to them about it. Especially these two teachers who really know Alice very well.

Her social studies teacher, Ms. Whobrey, mentioned that Alice is incredibly intelligent and sensitive and psychologically mature. She is taking in all this new information (social studies in particular...racism, freedom marches, sexism, peaceful protest, social change, a variety of perspectives on so many issues) and examining it with that intelligent, emotional mindset...but she's still only 11. These are big issues to be exposed to in such depth. When it comes to Alice's recent anxiety, it's never been one thought or event keeping her awake. It's just a general sense of unease and an inability to shut down to sleep. What Ms. Whobrey said resonated with me about Alice...maybe this recent difficulty is her trying to process complex social issues with 15-year-old reasoning and an 11-year-old brain. Conflict and strife and unclear boundaries have always made her uneasy. She's immersed in them right now...in the textbooks and in the halls at school.

Alice's band teacher, Ms. DeBauche, had something more to add that gave me reason to reconsider public school as the best option for Alice. She got to know Alice really well on a long, dark bus ride home from a recent Concert Band event. Alice was homesick and crying. Ms. DeBauche invited Alice to sit next to her and they talked for an hour. Alice poured out her soul, talking about everything, even her thoughts of going to private school for the rest of middle school because she's been so stressed and unhappy. Ms. DeBauche said back then that she doesn't want to lose Alice, or any students, and neither does UMS. She sent a note that night to the principal about Alice's concerns and encouraged me to meet with him. When I met with Ms. DeBauche this time, she assured me that the things that were hard for Alice now were changing for the better. She let me see that Alice actually loves music. Loves playing the flute. And I saw and felt how genuinely Ms. DeBauche cared for Alice. She is a cheerleader and advocate for her. I felt so grateful. And she offered to be in my meeting with the principal.

So, my meetings with those two teachers helped reframe my mindset. A lot.

1) Alice is grappling with new experiences and perspectives on EVERY side. That would happen in any school. It's just adolescence.

2) The specific discipline issues that make Alice so miserable at UMS are getting better. This has been the worst year in Ms. DeBauche's 29 years at UMS, but in our meeting with the principal, we talked about this, and I now feel confident that they are making rapid progress towards a more stable, more safe environment for Alice.

3) Alice will have more opportunities to be challenged in her coursework in 7th grade when they finally start offering advanced/honors courses in core subjects. Huzzah!

4) And it's not out of the ordinary to put friends together in classes, especially when it can relieve anxiety.

I need so much help with this middle school thing. And this adolescence thing. Ugh. Soooooooo new to it all. So glad to have a couple teachers and a principal advocating for Alice, though, and she picks pretty good friends with great moms I can talk to, too. I'm grateful for all of these people.

Math Study and Solo/Ensemble

Robert and I took part in a study this last year. They were looking at attitudes about math skill and learning. For the final phase of the study, I was supposed to teach Robert a new math concept he shouldn't have been exposed to in school (probability) and play a couple probability games with him.

Well, it turns out he already knew enough about probability to make my "teaching" pointless. I asked him if he learned it in school and he said it was from playing "Settlers of Catan" with me/us. I liked hearing that.

I don't know what the researchers will glean from the video of Robert and me rolling dice for 15 minutes, but they paid us handsomely for our time. Thank goodness Alice was able to stay with the little boys in the other room. I will need to compensate her for her time, too. When I made the appointment, I told them that I would have to bring my other children. The person on the phone assured me that other adults would be available to entertain my offspring while I participate in the study. The "other adults" pretty much threw crayons and some coloring sheets on the table and turned back to their screens. Alice to the rescue!! And she had a great time doing it until James decided he was truly too bored/cool/devious to sit around and wait any longer.

Checking out the Lower Level patio of the UIUC Psych Building. James accidentally scared a squirrel out of a garbage can and we observed that squirrels can scale brick walls with ease.

In other news...

Tonight was Alice's first Solo/Ensemble Competition. She was sooooooo nervous leading up to the actual event...many tears shed. She had practiced on her own, and with her flute teacher, and with her piano teacher (who doubled as her accompanist) and even in front of some family friends that I had invited over for her to practice with (that didn't go over so well emotionally with her, even though she did GREAT performance-wise).

Anyway, tonight was the night. She had to perform her pieces in front of a judge who graded her and offered advice. She performed one solo and one duet. And she. did. awesome. I have never heard her play so well. She said she had never played so well. What a delightful surprise to discover about herself! She was perfectly giddy when it was all over, abuzz with adrenaline.

The judge told her that her solo piece would be extremely difficult for a beginner: long, slow phrases are really, really tough when you haven't built up those breathing muscles yet. The judge was satisfied with what Alice was able to do with it, though, and praised her for working so hard on it.

Her duet got a little hairy in the middle when they sort of lost their place. Half a second of confusion, then they got back on track and finished it out. The judge confessed that was her favorite part about their whole performance...persistence, keeping their cool, resilience. Then she gave more advice on breath control and air volume. I wonder if swimmers and runners make better flutists with all their aerobic training. Though getting oxygen efficiently to your muscles is a totally different ballgame from blowing large quantities of air out of pursed lips.

But, I digress.

I was totally and completely impressed with Alice tonight. She can do hard things. I wish I had flowers to give her at the end. Next time, I will have flowers. Though she said tonight that she'll never sign up for this competition again...I have a sneaking suspicion she might change her mind...

On the brown couch...I'm on the bottom, then Alice, then Robert, then James, then fighting broke out.

That boy loves to snuggle. And Alice loves to accommodate him (as long as he plays nicely).

Robert Moment

It came time for the kids to have a Family Home Evening Treat. Robert suddenly remembered that there were some ice cream cones (drumsticks?) in the freezer and decided that he wanted one of those more than the brownies he had originally planned on serving. Well, it turned out there were only three ice creams left and all four kids wanted one.

Tick*tock*tick*tock

If all four kids wanted ice cream the most, then no one could have one, and all would get brownies. I offered to cut the cones in half and that was COMPLETELY unacceptable.

Tick*tock*tick*tock

No one would budge.

I started to put the ice cream back in the freezer when Robert blurted out, "I'll have a brownie!!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

The ice cream was doled out and I served Robert a brownie (extra large due to his personal sacrifice...he noticed). The kids were eating quietly when Robert asked me, "Do you want to know why I picked a brownie?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I was going to get a brownie either way. If I wanted ice cream, then I'd get a brownie. If I wanted brownie, I'd get brownie."

"Do you see how your choice, though, allowed everyone else to get what they wanted most? Even though you got the same thing either way?"

"Yeah." *shrug*

I couldn't really tell if he had been gracious and thoughtful in this case, or just perfectly rational. And I can't tell if that matters to me. Either way, it was a peek into his thought processes, which I found rewarding in and of itself. Robert can be very generous and thoughtful. Shockingly so. But he can also swing all the way to the opposite end and everything in between.

He was in a really good mood this afternoon. He asked to snuggle me on the couch. He told me several times that he loved me and that I was wonderful. He was attentive to my needs and wanted to make sure I was comfortable. It was a very rare and extended expression of affection. I liked it. A lot.

Playing around with the camera.

Our Mother-and-Son group (SAMs Club) successfully saved the world last night (thanks to a few very good hints) in an escape room at C-U Adventures. It. Was. Chaos. But a fun sort of chaos, and I only punched one kid in the face (sorry about that, T).

Second Lent Goal

Okay. I locked my keys in the car at the gym this morning. Ugh. Thankfully, Bobby had a spare key and everything worked out. But while I was waiting for rescue, I had some time to think. I was at the entrance to the gym, watching for Bobby's car, and seeing people I half-recognized walking in and out. These aren't friends. I don't know their names. I know nothing about them. I just recognize them from classes. So, laugh if you must, but with vague associations like these, my instinct is to busy myself with something else or pretend I don't see them in order to avoid a social situation where I wouldn't know exactly what to do. Heaven forbid we make eye contact!

I don't have these issues with perfect strangers. I can be polite and friendly to strangers. It's the not-stranger-not-friend gray area that ties me up in knots so thoroughly. Then it occurred to me that maybe this could be my bite-sized chunk for Lent. Maybe this could be the first step towards loving people other than my friends and family. Maybe, instead of looking away, I could allow eye contact...and smile...or even say "hi"...my heart rate has doubled at the mere thought of this. I'm such a social pansy sometimes.

Okay, I'll do it. That's my goal.

*whimper*

Locked out. Sigh.