Spring Brings...

...outdoor fun! I just want to be outside all the time. All the time. I was sitting on the front porch last weekend. Robert, James, and Matthew came out to join me. There was a light rain. Just enough to send a trickle of water out the downspout. We checked on a new mound of citronella ants, watched sugar ants take a Goldfish cracker apart piece by piece, and did some chatting. Robert and James got interested in the downspout water and started collecting rocks. Then they invested some time in the mud. Matthew flitted about on the periphery...lightly engaged in the play, but not quite part of it. Robert and James got dirty and asked to use the hose to rinse off. I knew it would lead to more mud play, but if I stayed outside with them, it wouldn't get out of control. I said yes. It got a lot muddier pretty fast. They were wading ankle deep in the muddy pool, raking through it with their fingers to find new rocky treasures. Matthew, again, kept his distance but conversed and played along. He didn't want to get dirty. He's also a very sensitive guy and stays on the periphery if there's any chance someone might yell at him for doing something wrong.

Washing rock treasures next to their brand new mud mine.

...indoor ants! Sugar ants are exploring our floors for food and water. Most of them are scouts just looking around, no real trails of ants yet. The other day, Matthew found a single ant in the bathroom which had somehow lost 2 of its legs and had trouble walking around. He gently picks it up and places it in his cupped hand, then runs out to me with intense concern asking how we can help the ant heal. Ummm. Matthew urgently wants to return the ant home so it can rest and recover comfortably. James turns to me with a knowing look, eyebrow raised, and then he turns to Matthew and opens his mouth to begin to speak, but then he shuts it again. I tell Matthew that I don't know how to help an ant heal. We don't have the right tools. I say the ant's best chance of getting home is being placed right where he found it. Matthew thinks he might have seen an ant-sized hole in the bathroom and he runs back to put the ant down. James turns to me again and I already know what he's going to say, "I was going to tell Matthew that the ant was most likely going to die before it got home, and that IF the injured ant ever DID get home somehow, it would probably get eaten or kicked out by its siblings anyway. But I didn't. I thought that would only make things worse." Yup, sometimes it's best to keep it to ourselves. 

One cold morning in April, Matthew fended off the icy wind with his cozy hat and face mask.

...edible flowers! Alex baked a double-layer orange cream cake and decorated it with pansies from our yard. He's been baking every weekend pretty consistently for the last few weeks...garlic knots, turtle-shaped dinner rolls, and cakes. He has plans to make a carrot cake this weekend. Mmmmmm.

Doesn't take long to eat a cake so tasty and pretty as this one.

...gardening and landscaping and chicken fun. I like to exercise in the morning and come home to do gardening/landscaping/farm tasks. Last week, I planted and transplanted, weeded and cleaned out beds, set up irrigation in the garden, and ordered a few more parts to expand the irrigation in the front landscaping. The whole yard is up and growing...kinda like Robert. I took a picture of him standing next to Matthew just to record the stark contrast:

Matthew only comes up to Robert's armpits!!

...the end of fencing class! Alex and Robert enjoyed their fencing class, but felt done with it all by the end. Robert did pretty well in the final tournament (Alex did not compete). He has a talent for seeing patterns in an opponent's behavior. It helped him get through some tough bouts. And a few pointers from Robert gave his friend a leg-up in the semi-final. I saw his friend approach him afterwards for advice regarding his new opponent in the final bout. 

Robert is in red. He landed third place and his friend took second. 

...summer plans! It is delicious to me to have a good plan, even though I know things will have to change out of necessity (and sometimes whimsy). Plans bring me peace. It's the illusion of control :) Alex has a great job and plans for Kid Camp. Robert has Advanced Math Academy and some code/robotics/webpage/app camps. James and Matthew have swim lessons, math/art/science/treasure hunt camps, and Wild Child Survival Camp (i.e. wilderness survival skills for elementary kids). We have a 2-week long car trip out west and a 1-week long family reunion in the midwest. There will be video game days, pool days, a demolition derby, star gazing, one short campout, a few weenie roasts, and at least one afternoon at a go kart racetrack nearby. We may also throw axes. Maybe. 

This is Alex with his two rats on his shoulders. Erin said she'll take care of our animals while we're traveling this summer. It's kind of a menagerie: 2 old hens, 3 young hens, 2 adolescent rats, a crested gecko, an aging fish, and a jar of sea monkeys.

Hello again

Hello again! It's been a while. So long, in fact, that I feel burdened by the multitude of stories, blessings, experiences, and lessons that that I didn't get to record here on the blog over the last 6 weeks. I talked to my mom this afternoon and she helped me see that I could just start fresh. Start with today. So, here I am.

Things are good.

A few highlights from the last 6 weeks:

Alex turned 15, had his first job interview, and got his first job offer. He'll be a Junior Camp Counselor at our local park district's summer camp for kids. I can't imagine a better fit for Alex's talents and interests! He's in the high school musical this semester, too. It's "Anastasia." He loves taking voice lessons. He loves sleeping in on the weekends. He loves baking on Sundays. He also loves his two pet rats that he got for his birthday, but they keep escaping from their enclosure!

Robert turned 12 and grew another inch taller. Or more. He's officially taller than Alex now and the difference is growing every week. He's doing well in his advanced math class and got invited to a summer program for kids going into advanced math next year. His English teacher tells me Robert writes well enough to skip a grade in ELA, but he's less enthusiastic about challenging writing assignments. We've been doing some Khan Academy pre-algebra together a few evenings a month. It's pretty fun. I love algebra. Robert likes it, too. We laugh and tease each other a lot during these sessions. Robert's way of bonding with people is through verbal teasing and physical play. He has no problem understanding the math concepts. He gets in trouble, though, for not reading the questions carefully enough. Doing well in school requires that you 1) understand the material and 2) understand how people will test you on that material.

James' annual physical revealed that he had lost 13 pounds over the last year. My anxiety kinda went haywire over that. He routinely skips dinner because he's afraid he'll feel nauseous all evening and night. He's not motivated by or interested in treats anymore, either. What kind of kid (besides Matthew) isn't that interested in treats?!?! James and I have therefore developed an eating routine that gets him all the calories and nutrients he needs by 4pm. If dinner appeals to him, he'll eat a little of that, too. He's happier, I'm happier, and the doctor will be happier. The doctor ordered blood tests that all came back normal. And wow, James' courage and self-control was tested to the limit preparing for those blood draws. They botched the first one and we had to go back another day. He was SO frustrated and angry and brave and calm and so stinking relieved at the end of it all. 

Matthew is only 7, but that also seems pretty old. He plays and jokes around like the older boys, but still lets me hold his hand and snuggle him when he's hurt. He lost his first tooth! And his second tooth. The adult teeth actually started growing in behind his baby teeth (like shark teeth). Once the baby teeth were out, the adult teeth kinda shifted into the right place. Whew. 

Bobby built a gaming computer and the boys helped him build and test drive it. It's brought the boys together as they watch each other play new and interesting games. Bobby has been running regularly with a couple friends from church. He's also been approved to go back to working onsite but there are a few tricky hurdles that need to be worked out first. 

My anxiety kept us from taking a Spring Break trip to the Gulf Coast *sob* but it's been pretty low since then. I'm working closely with my therapist on this travel anxiety. I do NOT want to stay home for the rest of my life, y'know?

I've been able to exercise regularly again! I'm getting back on the bike and taking a few mild classes at the YMCA: strength/conditioning, body combat, and gentle yoga. The exercise is good for me physically and socially. I get out of the house and make eye contact with people who aren't my family. I even make friendly conversation or crack a joke now and then :)

My interest in gardening has returned. I've got some veggies already in the ground, some ready to transplant, and some getting started this week. 

We have been raising a new flock of chicks. Our friendly neighborhood hawk killed one of them, sadly, due to my overconfidence in predicting how a hawk would hunt. We lost James' chick named Curry. She was one of the most adventurous, curious, and people-friendly chickens we've ever raised. She learned pretty quickly that people bring food and water and treats. Whenever you came into the bathroom where the chicks were living, Curry would be the first to the door eyeing you up and down looking for treats. The other chickens ran away from visitors and huddled in the back of the cage whenever the cage was opened. Curry liked coming out of the cage just to explore. She also liked flapping up to the tallest point and perching there while all the other chicks looked around nervously and cheeped at her, "Get down from there! You're going to fall and break your neck!" She had the craziest habit: whenever we offered her something tasty (e.g. a cricket or worm) she would grab it in her beak and run around screeching. I think she was concerned the other birds might take it from her, but all her fuss just got their attention and created the competition she feared. Silly chick. I'm gonna miss her. James certainly does. 

A Couple Images

With yet another adjustment to my medications last week, I feel like I'm juuuuust pressing through the anxiety muck enough to see myself again. I was trying to describe what it felt like. I could only envision it in a picture, so I tried to illustrate it myself:

That's my face emerging from the sticky grip of the anxiety that still affects me. It's not entirely what I pictured, but you get the idea. A persistent, low-grade anxiety is present every moment of my waking life (i.e. most of my body is still in the muck), but I'm just enough removed from it now that I can see the anxiety as separate from me. Any little hiccup in the day triggers an acute wave of panic and I can now cognitively tell myself, "That's the anxiety talking, not me." I can relax my muscles and take a deep breath and quiet the anxiety down to its background level. Honestly, the background level isn't comfortable...I'm still a kinda nauseous most of the day and I have to push myself to do ordinary things I used to love. But, but, but it's a wonderful and beautiful gift to finally see myself as separate from the anxiety. I want to feel more normal than this, but if I don't, it'll be okay.

Another feeling I was trying to describe was my turmoil around Alexander. I let myself imagine just for a moment that he changed his mind and turned completely around back to the way it was with Alice. For that split second, I felt whole again. Like a part of my body that had been pulled apart was brought back in and healed. I realized then that the break with Alice was like this:

This is me as a tree with four strong limbs full of budding, branching potential. They are the hopes and dreams and desires I carry for each of my kids. When Alice became Alexander, the Alice limb split and tore. It's still a part of me, kinda hanging there, and there's a ragged, gaping hole where I thought I had control and knew what would happen. I don't, by the way, have either of those gifts. How do I heal from something like that?! 

I don't know. 

I guess I'll just carry it for now and figure it out as I go. 

Let me be clear: the limbs are simply my future hopes and dreams for my kids, not my kids themselves. When Alexander came out to us, I felt closer to him than ever before. I didn't understand it all, but I knew I loved him. We were close then and we are still close. The broken branch is the imagined future I had built for Alice, never the relationship I had or have with my actual child. 

If you look at the top of the split, there's a new limb growing. This is the beginning of hopes, dreams, and desires I carry for Alexander as Alexander, not as Alice. It's small because I'm only just getting to know him. Kind of. I'm just getting to know what he wants for his own future. Maybe this is something I'll experience to some degree with all of my kids....they will live their lives as they will. And maybe their choices will follow my own hopes and dreams for them, and maybe they won't. I may lose a couple more limbs before I'm through here. And maybe...that's...okay. 

Alexander is passionate and courageous and creative and kind. He's intuitive and empathetic. He's vulnerable. He's strong. I love him. 

He can do this. 

I can do this. 

Photo Dump :)

We had a couple of warm days between two winter storms. I just HAD to get outside. Birds were singing, the sun was shining, and the ice was a lot of fun. Here, James and Matthew are playing "The Grass is Lava".

Later, we went for a block walk where James found oodles of puddles to stomp in and get soaked. Matthew wanted to look tough...as tough as you can look in striped pajamas, anyway.

"Take a picture of me punching the camera!"

Alex and Robert in their fencing gear. I still can't get over how they are the EXACT same height. They like fencing class. They'd learn more if they were in private lessons, of course, but then there wouldn't be as many other kids to fence against. And it's really, really important to Robert to know how many other kids he can beat in fencing. And video games. And test scores. And height. And everything else. I wouldn't call him competitive, per se, but he's all about comparison. He likes to do well. He judges how well he's doing by how many people are doing better/worse/more/less than he is. 

Alex leading our Valentine's Day Monday Night Fun activity: sugar cookie decorating!

Alex also got the rest of his molars sealed. All grown-up teeth now. Only the wisdom teeth left to come in. He's laughing and enjoying a sugar-free sucker they gave him (it helps with the bitter aftertaste, but it's not tasty).

This month, I traveled to Tennessee and Georgia to support Rachel on 2 more of her 50-50-50 bike rides. This Bigfoot statue, and many others, were on the property of the house we stayed in. Kinda quirky. I was too anxious/nauseous/unwell to ride with her on this trip. Fingers crossed I get this anxiety under control in time to train for the rides in April (Mississippi and Alabama coast).

The first real winter storm left a good bit of snow. I took the kids to the enormous sledding hill at Colbert Park. James conquered every single face of that hill, so proud of himself for being so daring. You can't see the hill in this picture, of course. That's the frozen lake behind them.

Clear Impressions

I was thinking about something this morning during my daily prayer and scripture study. Something had happened with one of my kids the night before...

...it was new and uncharted parenting territory...

...like all of my parenting opportunities these days...

I really wanted to find a solution and heal the rift.

As I considered two alternatives, I asked in prayer if the first one was right. I had a hard time envisioning the words to say and the picture was fractured in my mind. Then I asked about the second alternative, which seemed more complicated at first, but it was suddenly very clear in my mind. I marveled and questioned how this could be the solution and a calm light settled in my mind. It was so bright that I had to open my eyes just to check that it wasn't coming from my room. Nope. 

I rarely have such clear impressions of what to do. I rarely pray so long and hard for help. Those are likely related phenomena :) 

I acted on the impression and everything fell into place. The rift was healed.

I wanted to record this experience here because I tend to forget things. I don't want to forget this. I'm also not very good about sharing spiritual experiences with my family. Recording it helps me remember to share.