Tipping Point

Matthew has decided he cannot abide another trip to the YMCA Child Watch without a child he knows accompanying him. Preferably James.

I called a friend from church to ask if I could borrow her 2.5-year-old. When I told Matthew the good news, he asked, "Is she the one that pushes?"

Uh...um...

It didn't matter, though, because James opted out of preschool this morning for the Y. He never does that. Never. And I think he kinda almost did it to make Matthew feel better. Matthew refused to get dressed, wailing and sobbing and begging not to go to the Y without James. James heard this and said, "Okay, Matthew, I'll go to the Y with you."

Matthew choked down a sob and looked at him, "What? You come uh Y wif me?!"

"Yeah. I'll go with you."

"You wi-yill?"

"Yeah."

"Mommy! He wi-yill!"

Then James pops into his room to change into play clothes. Matthew stops crying, wipes his eyes, and gets all happy. Then I say something stupid because this was not what *I* wanted to have happen.

"Well, he might change his mind when Claire comes to pick him up." (It was more wishful thinking than an actual possibility, and I knew it, but I was mad at myself for giving James a choice I wasn't actually okay with him choosing. I wanted him at preschool! I only gave him the "Y" option because I was trying to scare him into going to school. Argh! Total backfire.)

Well, Matthew gets worried. When James comes out dressed, I hear Matthew run over to him and ask, "You go to uh Y wif me?"

(a little exasperated) "Yeah. I'm going to the Y!"

"Why? Is it 'cuz you luff me?"

James flashes his impish grin and his eyebrows go up, "No, it's because of the Y-Day Surprise*." Matthew giggled, completely satisfied that James was truly going to come. And that was that.

I had to cancel the preschool carpool. Still had to pick up the borrowed 2.5-year-old, who was delighted to come and had a great time, even though the boys didn't play with her once, and whose mother came to work out with me after a little while, and made my work out much more fun. So, it was actually better overall than if I had taken Matthew alone.

But.

This is a tipping point. I feel like there's a good resolution to my difficulties with this issue if I just look over the facts again.

Side note: James *almost* tried to run away when it came time to check him in to Child Watch, but then Matthew turned to him for direction/decision and James plunged in with both feet. This was a fluke. I don't think James would enjoy going to the Y regularly with me and Matthew again. There's a reason I exercise on preschool days.

Need #1: I need exercise, a few hours a week, to maintain a healthy mom balance.
Difficulties: The kids don't like going to the Y, even with bribes.

Other points to consider:
I prefer certain classes at the Y that are taught at specific times. Mostly weekday AM.
I prefer not to go to the Y on evenings/weekends, losing time with Bobby and the whole family.
I am motivated by the programs and offerings at the Y. Like nothing else.
I am motivated by the relationships I have at the Y. Like nothing else.
I am motivated by the professional level of child care at the Y. Like nothing else.
I am motivated by the feeling of community at the Y. Like nothing else.

So, it doesn't make sense to solve this difficulty by trying a different/closer gym or exercise regimen (e.g. videos at home, stationary bike) because I would lose all of those powerful motivators to get the exercise I need. The Y works for me right now.

Need #2: I need time away from James, a few hours a week, to maintain a healthy mom balance.
Difficulties: James doesn't like to leave me, even for friends, loving teachers, and an endless supply of fun, age-appropriate activities at preschool. I don't like to ask friends for childcare favors because it affects my relationship with them.

Other points to consider:

It's hard to get James to go to preschool, but he tolerates it fine once he's there.
It's harder to get James to go to the Y, but he tolerates it fine once he's there.
He's happy to leave me for a play date with one of only TWO kids.
It's hard to set up a regular play date for him that I might not be able to count on or reciprocate**.
It's hard to predict if he'll come to hate a regular play date, too.
James coming to the Y makes Matthew happier to come.

Well, heck! That simplifies things tremendously. This will be hard for James, whatever I choose :) and my gut tells me he will resist anything regular that I set up. I think the preschool thing is best for James. He has fun once I'm gone, and it allows me to meet BOTH fundamental mom-balance needs with minimal suffering on his part. It's settled: James stays in preschool.

That leaves only Matthew's unhappiness.

If James stayed the same and Matthew loved going to the Y, I would happily keep things just the way they are. Matthew's unhappiness at the Y, though, jeopardizes Need #1. I feel threatened by it. I don't want to lose that important balancing point.

I was kinda planning on enrolling Matthew in preschool after Christmas anyway. He'll LOVE it. And he might help James like it more, too. Once they go together, I can cram all the unpleasant tasks they hate into those short 9 hours a week. Yay!

So, I guess I only need to find something that will work for us for the next 3 months.

My first thought was to put him in preschool earlier than planned. He'd love it, right? Totally. But at what cost? I'd be going from "free" child care to "$160/month" child care. Is that better than hating the Y? It's just different. I believe this is the simplest (and most expensive) solution to maximize everyone's happiness.

My second thought was to wrestle Matthew into the Y every time. He's small. Those child watch ladies are warm, but tough. They handle criers all the time, two hours at a time. They've got my back. It's the hysterical sobbing before and after my workout that might make regular exercise less rejuvenating for me. Then again, it would only be this ugly for 3 months. Can I permanently damage my trusting relationship with Matthew in only 3 months? ;)

My third idea was to change my exercise schedule to include one preschool day and one non-preschool day until Christmas. Compromise. That way, Matthew has James at the Y with him once a week. The major drawback being James' reluctance to go...he's bigger, louder, and stronger than Matthew...a lot more difficult to force into anything. And clever. He can unbuckle his seat belt in protest (and he has!). I can't carry them both if they go limp on me, and they're too young to leave one behind while I carry the other in. And the wailing and gnashing of teeth to and from the workout...what a spectacle! No, no, no.

My fourth idea was to up the "Y-day Surprise" incentive. I've tried some of that already. I asked Matthew what he'd like to do/experience after the Y to make him want to go. Nothing. More tears. He might not be old enough for a delayed gratification/consequence to mean something. That usually develops around age 4. James is a tough negotiator. He would only come willingly for something on the scale of a restaurant lunch, swimming at the pool, visiting a children's museum, or $10. Twice a week. Perish. The. Thought.

My fifth idea was to blog about it because none of the earlier ideas is an easy win :)

I welcome your thoughts on the matter. Is there something I'm missing?

I do enjoy my time solo with Matthew. One-on-one is divine, no matter which kid I'm with. Here we are at the "train park." In the movie, he's saying, "Eeeeeee! Picture. Movie! Picture..."

*an invention from this summer to persuade all my children that they wanted to come to the Y with me twice a week. It's a bribe. Or maybe a mutually beneficial exchange between two equal parties. 

**friend playdates, unlike institutional child care, are subject to change due to illness and vacations and school holidays. I like that I can count on the Y's child care to watch my kid(s) every day I'm able to go. No cancellations. No rescheduling. No pressure on my relationship with the kid's mom.