Inner Turmoil

I volunteer my time in several places, in several ways.

One day, I wasn't on my normal schedule, and I ended up volunteering alongside someone new. The inevitable and painful ritual of chit-chat began. He first asked if I was a volunteer or staff. It's a pretty harmless question. Other people had asked me exactly that before and I took it as a compliment from them. This time, though, I got a little defensive. Was it his facial expression? Or was it my own stinking insecurity?

He asked how long I had volunteered here.

"Two weeks. And you?"

"*chuckle**snort* Oh, I'm not a volunteer, I get paid to do this."

That was his response to me asking how long he had worked here.

And we stood right by each other doing the same work.

My sneaking defensiveness exploded into a seething, resentful sort of competition. The strength of the emotion surprised me a little. Until that moment, I didn't realize how much that particular job title mattered to me. And after some thought, I realized that I wanted to be treated and respected like staff, not a volunteer. Which meant I was suffering from the same us-them staff-volunteer hierarchy that I loathed in this guy. I hated him so much for that. And now I hated myself :(

It was a humbling experience. I have really, really enjoyed working with the staff and volunteers I've met at this place so far. A ton. And only this one guy has ever made me feel like something less. That said, I had another opportunity to work next to him this week. In the very moment I secretly promised myself that it was okay to hate someone forever as long as I was polite, I overheard him telling another staff member his backstory. It was not what I expected. Totally different. Now I understood why getting paid for this was so stinking important to him. He's actually a decent guy. I don't hate him anymore. Maybe his comment was kinda rude, but I judged him harshly out of my own insecurities and pride *sigh*

So, I know I have some issues to resolve in me. This much I know:

• I really, really, really want to get good at this thing :)
• I look up to the folks working in this thing and I want to earn their respect :)
• My schedule doesn't allow me to work at the times that I could be building those relationships and skills at the rate I want to build them :(
• I have committed myself to treating each person, whether staff or volunteer or board member, with the same friendly respect and camaraderie that I yearn for from them :)

This morning, at the end of my shift, I met with the director to chat about some number crunching I wanted to try out. She was happy to let me work on it. Then she said that the quality of my work and the amount of time I've committed to the job goes above and beyond their expectations for volunteers. She said they wanted to hire me as paid staff. Starting next week. And they would love for me to keep working my usual shift and to coordinate other volunteers who wanted to work at that time. 

I'm thrilled! Totally, totally excited that I proved myself worthy of the extra responsibility. I will absolutely coordinate whatever they need.

But I got a furrowed brow about the paycheck. I'm not convinced that it will help me enjoy the work any more. Or help me do my job any better. It may actually do the opposite. Y'know that thing about internal versus external motivation? If I'm doing something I love, and getting paid less than I feel my time is worth, then it kinda sucks the joy out of doing that thing.

And then there's that whole us-them staff-volunteer complex I'm working on.

I told the director about my paycheck hesitation. She seemed uncomfortable having me do staff work without a staff paycheck. I can see her point. Maybe I will accept the money and use it for something else important to me. Maybe I will donate it back to the organization. But wouldn't it be more useful to them before taxes and tithing get taken out on my end? Pbbbsh. Gotta think about this more.

I told the director I would get back to her after the weekend.