Monday

Monday was a low point for me. It marked 6 weeks since my anxiety episode started. 6 weeks since I had restarted the anti-anxiety meds. When you start anxiety/depression meds, they caution you that you may see improvements after a couple weeks but the medicine doesn't reach full potency until 4-6 weeks. I was better than week 1, but still needing to spend hours on the couch each day drifting in and out of consciousness to deal with the scary anxious thoughts and gut sickness. Was this the new norm for the rest of my life?!

I had to cry.

I called my mom.

I sobbed and sobbed out loud to her. I poured out all my fears and frustration. 

She listened, she loved, she reassured, she bore testimony, and she reignited hope that things will indeed change. Things will get better. 

I still felt anxious and my gut still hated me, but there was hope again.

I hung up with my mom and sobbed to Bobby, too. I told him my scary anxious thoughts and he reassured me that they were NOT consistent with reality. A little more hope. 

I sobbed on my bed all alone. I wanted to wail and cry out loud. I've never felt that before. I prayed silently. Then I remembered something that my mother-in-law had written to Alex. She said, "God can bless you in other ways. He can send a guardian angel to be near you in times of trouble. Who would he send? Probably a relative who understands your problems. I have felt the strength of people who love me who have died. They can bring peace to your heart and help you make wise decisions." I prayed for a guardian angel to help me. Someone came. I felt them.

I stopped crying. I could think clearly enough to form a plan: I would call my doctor to re-assess my meds, I would find a way to serve other people while hurting on the couch, and I wouldn't give up hope. 

Tuesday, I felt a little better. Still anxious, still physically miserable, but I was able to to run errands and do family history research while on the couch. I met with my doctor. He prescribed an additional med in a very low dose to help further with the anxiety. 

Wednesday, today, I feel better than I have in a long while. I can eat more normally. The obsessive thoughts are quieter and easier to ignore. I have energy to do more than the bare minimum. 

I'm okay.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I'm okay right now. Heavenly Father is aware of me. He loves me. I have a loving, supportive family and competent medical professionals on my side. This will get better.