Feeling Quiet Tonight

I'm feeling quiet. Lots of stuff going on in my brain today. Stuff to worry about, stuff not to worry about.

A few things I'd like to explore further on the blog or in writing:

• The kids had their first overnight sleepover with my sister. I knew they were fine and having a GREAT time. I had no doubt they were in good hands. But they weren't with me. They are always at home with me by 9pm (usually unconscious by then, too). I felt incomplete, kinda, like there was an emotional tension I couldn't resolve. I'm wondering if that's what it feels like to have teenagers out with friends, or kids moving off to college, or kids getting married. You still have that intense connection and love and concern, but you don't get to help/protect/direct them anymore. Maybe it gets easier with time?
• Robert and piano lessons. Not going well. Not good for our relationship. Not good for his relationship with music. Rethinking my philosophy on this whole thing, trying to figure out deep down what I really want him to get from this. And why. And is it really just me wishing I had taken piano lessons more seriously in my youth? Or is it him/me just wanting to back out when something gets hard?
• Preparing a lesson for my church women's group on Sunday. It's always a laborious and emotional process for me. Maybe I take it too seriously? Anyway, this week we are discussing the Sabbath Day. A sticky topic for me. My goal is to foster an honest, spiritual discussion without dredging up all of my own insecurities and childish rants :) Easy, right? *whimper*

That was hard...and awesome

I'm easing in to my triathlon training. I don't really officially start until Jan 27 (race day April 21), but I'm trying out some of the training stuff in my regular workouts. Like today: 60 minute bike class followed by a 10 minute run.

That. was. hard.

But I did it! And that feels awesome.

It was a preschool day, so I had an hour after my workout to run some errands. I deposited some checks at the bank, hit the library to pick up some holds and return books, dropped by the farm store for feed and straw, brought it all home, loaded up the thrift store donations (by folding down half the seats in the van), dropped it off at the new Urbana location of Salt and Light (*angelic choir singing*), swung home to put the seats back up and re-install car seats, and drove to the preschool to pick up my happy boys. They got to play outside in the snow today :)

That. was. awesome. I couldn't help but say it out loud. I may have sung it, actually.

It's like the day after you have a baby and you go to the bathroom and suddenly realize your bladder has silently and perfectly returned to its original holding capacity. Do you remember that moment? I do, for some strange reason.  I had grown accustomed to the change so slowly that I had forgotten what it was like before the change.

I will forget this feeling, too, eventually. But it's nice for right now. It's great to have more energy to be the kind of mom I want to be for my kids.

That Didn't Take Long

Matthew's 3rd day of preschool: I've got a new groove.

Sure, I miss the little guy, but as I went grocery shopping this morning, I did not miss the bundling, buckling, persuasion, coercion, denial, back-and-forth, begging, and complaints about the cold, the length of the errand, or how long I would or would not hold him during said errand.

I was free.

I was a little lonely, but not craving the company of a 3 or 5 yo "helper." I was in a really good mood. The strangest thing was, I was in such a habit of talking to someone constantly while I shopped that I found myself tempted to interact with random strangers and employees as I walked by, "That's quite the pallet of cheese you've got there" "What a lovely slice of pineapple" "I love that brand of baby wipes"

Totally. not. normal.

I repressed the urges.

After some grocery shopping, I met with the director of Sola Gratia Farm. She let me know about their goals and outreach programs. They are a mission-led farm, dedicated to helping the most vulnerable members of our community gain access to fresh, healthy, sustainably-grown produce. I knew they donated 30% of their produce to the foodbank and supplied a major soup kitchen in town, but they've recently experimented with all SORTS of things to bring fresh food to folks who don't have much. They set up a farm stand at the public health office. No joke! People would pay what they could for the same produce that would sell at the Farmer's Market for hundreds of dollars. Families could pick up WIC vouchers for farmer's market produce and spend them right there in the lobby without having to go to another place on another day. Volunteers from Sola Gratia borrowed a camper/RV thing from another public agency and set up a market stand outside a Dollar Tree store in an economically depressed neighborhood. By the end of the summer, there were people waiting in line for that RV every morning when they arrived.

A local hospital, Carle, teamed up with the U of I Extension Office to provide recent refugee families with a 12-week course in food, nutrition, and cooking using this farm's CSA shares. That's where the director discovered a demand for Jerusalem artichokes (sunchokes) that was totally unmet in C-U. So, sunchokes are on the planting roster for this fall.

Anyway, I was really impressed with the efforts of this farm to not only produce high quality produce in a sustainable way, but to connect with people in the community and improve lives through good food. They have a solid base of volunteers who help with everything.

The director felt my dietetics/nutrition background could be put to good use teaching people how to cook with less familiar vegetables (okra, turnips, eggplant) and how to add more vegetables to their plates. I would be working with the farm's volunteers in the community, not the CSA clients or farmer's market folks. Sounds great on paper, but immediately I started thinking of reasons why I can't do this:

• Even with a degree in that stuff, I feel completely inadequate. I don't think about food like most people do. I'm an outlier. Nobody else I know spends 2 hours a week planning their menu and grocery list. Most people think about dinner 30 minutes before they want to eat it, and they don't start with a green vegetable in mind.
• I'm afraid of strangers. Being in public, on display, next to a pile of vegetables, handing out nutrition info and recipes to perfect strangers waiting for an appointment is akin to my worst nightmare. This could probably change with repeated exposure. But man, what a journey.
• I would want to know more about my target population before developing handouts and recipes. Maybe I wouldn't be afraid to talk to people about the foods they like to prepare and the veggies they normally eat. Maybe I could do some research first?

People stress me out, but they're also my greatest source of connection and community and belonging.

And what's the point of growing nourishing food if you don't get to share it with people?

I want to learn the field stuff, but I think I could benefit from the people stuff, too. Best case, I find a meaningful, fulfilling use of my time and talents. Worst case, exposure therapy for my greatest fears.

I told the director that I was really hoping to do farm hand stuff, and that I would have applied as a farm hand proper if my schedule were more regular. She told me they are expanding by 2 acres this season and planning to hire several farm hands in the next couple months. Greenhouse work starts in March. A regular schedule is helpful, but not absolutely required. She gave me a copy of the listing and encouraged me to apply.

Could I do this? Could I really do this job this year? Gotta think about it. A lot. And talk it over with my family.

I've given myself at least a week to think about it before writing back to the director. Farm hand applications are due soon. The trickiest bit is summer childcare. If I get the job, $9 an hour won't come close to paying for half-day camps for 4 kids all summer. But Alice will be in college before I can leave Matthew home without a sitter! Blah blah blah. My brain hurts. Gonna shelf this a bit and come back later.

First Day of Preschool

Matthew attended his first day of preschool yesterday. He was jumping excited. James felt like an awesome big brother, telling him everything he could look forward to.

Our carpool arrived and swept them away. I was the only one left home. The house was quiet. No one was interrupting me. I had a list of things I wanted to do, but without the noise and cajoling and bundling up and constant back-and-forthing with a kid, it felt kinda odd. Out of my element, but still in my house. Almost like I had forgotten how to be anything but a mom at 8:30 in the morning.  I've had someone to care for at home every morning at 8:30am for the last 10+ years.

This will take some getting used to.

I went to the gym, but it was a lackluster workout. I just felt out of synch.

I visited a new thrift store near our house. I wouldn't have done that with more than one kid, so I enjoyed perusing at my own pace, but it still felt kinda hollow.

I kinda missed Matthew. I kinda wanted to see him having the time of his life at preschool. I felt like I might be squandering this time. I felt guilty for not appreciating the break.

It turns out, Matthew was a model student. He took turns, followed directions, and played well with others. He hasn't learned all the classroom routines yet, but he's eager to fully participate and he's loving all the come and go and play play play.

His second day is slated for tomorrow. It will likely to be cancelled due to extreme cold. I think he'll cry :(

As odd as Matthew's first preschool day was for me, I don't think it will stay that way for long. I'm meeting with the director of Sola Gratia Farm on Monday about some work I can do for them. They want me to do nutrition/dietetic work for them, but I don't know exactly what. Cooking classes? Handouts/articles for clients? Recipe research and development? I'm willing to help wherever I can, though my eye remains fixed on field work. I've tugged and pulled and switched and twisted my schedule to eek out about 15 hours a week of kid-free time (almost entirely between 6:00am and 11:00am during preschool days) that I can dedicate to Sola Gratia work this semester. Once the triathlon is done, I can bump that up to almost 25 hours a week. It means, of course, that I won't have as large of a personal garden this season. If any. That's okay. I'm hoping to learn more this summer in the field than 10 summers in my own garden.

Here's a movie of Matthew telling one of his stories. Usually, they're more exciting than a lonely broccoli monster in a world full of cucumber, but his environment was kinda distracting. It gives you a taste of his personality and speaking cadence. You don't have to watch all 4 minutes if you don't want to :)

Picture Fun

Bobby found a new picture app this week. He and the boys have had a lot of fun with it ("the boys" being James and Matthew...Robert has specifically requested that he not be included in that particular grouping). Here is James in all his piratey dino monster glory:

The week between Christmas and New Year's is generally one of the most disappointing weeks of the year for me. What on earth can follow the anticipation and wonder of Christmas, right?! Well, Erin can. Erin and my parents arrived 2 days after Christmas and it's been one party after another ever since. We helped Erin move in. We ate yummy food. The kids had their first sleep over at Erin's house*. We saw a fantastic Christmas lights display in Paxton, IL. We painted our own pottery. We had a New Year's Eve shindig, complete with a dance party and countdown (London's New Year rang in conveniently at 6pm CST). New Year's Day today, we invited some friends over to lunch for fondue and games/movie. Then Bill and Kristin invited us to dinner at their place. It's been a very social kind of week.

School and preschool are slated to start in 2 days, but the weather has been SO bitterly cold that I'm predicting a snow day. Trying not to get too excited or depressed about that prospect.

Happy New Year! What an exciting beginning.

*while technically a "sleep over", the kids actually ended up coming home at 12:30am due to some excitement-and-overeating-induced barfing. Fingers crossed it's a lesson they need only learn once in their lives ;)