A little relief...

It's been 5-6 weeks since Matthew's new medication regimen started. The last couple of weeks, we've seen a series of minute and yet remarkable moments that indicate we are headed in the right direction...

SPRING BREAK

--Matthew stayed out in the house with us MOST of the time. There were only a few hours in the week where he had to retreat to his bed and stay under his blanket.

--There were several instances when he and James did not agree, or something Matthew did made James upset. James flared up, Matthew grew concerned and held firm. They TALKED about it. Even if they didn't end up agreeing, Matthew was OKAY. He brushed it off. Months ago, he would have retreated to his room screaming "sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry" and stayed there for hours. 

--Matthew agreed to one outing a day, and he DID IT. Once or twice on these outings, he started feeling anxious, but then he was able to refocus. He had a great time. For hours. 

--He got dressed for these outings WITHOUT PANIC. 

--He ate dinner with us a few times.

--He volunteered to pray a few times, even when it wasn't his turn.

--He participated in family scripture study a couple times without a tablet in hand.

OTHER DAYS

--I told him about a summer class for kids his age and he actually WANTS to go. He is excitedly anticipating it. He'll be writing/coding a 2D video game.

--Talking about our family vacation this summer, I asked him about several possible excursions. He decided that he wanted to try the gondola ride over the forest. He said, "I know that I'm really afraid of heights, but I think that once I'm on it and it gets going, I'll like it and be really glad that I went."

--There was a thunderstorm and tornado siren after bedtime one night. He didn't like it, but he calmly hung out in the bathroom with us and GLADLY/GRATEFULLY went back to bed afterwards.

YESTERDAY

Sundays are the worst. They have been so, so hard. Yesterday, however, even though we were running a little late, Matthew kept a calm (cheerful?) attitude. Realizing it was Sunday did NOT trigger a panic attack. Asking him about how much he could do at church that day did NOT trigger a panic attack. Matthew usually attends church over Zoom in the car in the parking lot with me or Bobby. Then we pop into the foyer for the sacrament, and go back to the car for the rest of the meeting. He decided this time, however, that he could take the sacrament IN THE CHAPEL. I was completely flabbergasted. It was Bobby's turn in the car, so I sat in the chapel near the back door. When the sacrament hymn started, I wondered if Matthew would actually do it. A second later, he plopped into the pew next to me. He was nervous. He was still wearing pajamas. He was snuggled right up close to me gripping my arm, but he was smiling and HE WAS THERE. We participated in the sacrament together. Amazing! Then, he said he was thirsty. I figured this was the end of his visit. Nope. He got a drink at the water fountain and CAME BACK. He stayed in the pew for the rest of the hour-long meeting. Later, the bishop and Matthew's quorum leader both commented on how amazing it was to see Matthew in the chapel. They have been working with us for months to help Matthew feel more comfortable at church and weekly activities. 

TODAY

The door to the yellow bathroom somehow got locked while no one was in there. This is the kids' main bathroom, and James was already tired and grouchy about school starting again, so he made a comment that it was Matthew's fault. Weeks ago, this would have derailed the ENTIRE morning. Matthew would be in tears, completely panicking, unable to dress or speak, and probably end up 1-2 hours late for school. Instead, Matthew said, "It's just a locked door," and went to get dressed UNPROMPTED, UNFLUSTERED. James persisted in his accusation, which irritated Matthew a bit more, but not to the point of being upset. Bobby fixed the door, James and Matthew finished getting ready for school WITHOUT FURTHER INCIDENT, and everyone got to school on time. 

Make no mistake: these are small (and not so small) miracles. 

Even if things get bad again (or worse) tomorrow, these days still happened. If things can get this good once, I have a greater hope that they can get this good again. That's one thing that pulled me through my second mental health crisis some years ago. I knew normal was possible, no matter how broken and dark everything seemed at the moment. 

2025 Christmas Letter (in March)

Hello Friends and Family!

Here is a (way too long, way too late) year-end update on our family. Usual disclaimer: I love reading these sorts of things from other people, but I don’t expect everyone to feel that way. If this letter ends up in the recycle bin without being read, you won’t hurt my feelings. At all. Truly. 

Bobby is still working as a software engineer at NVIDIA at a smallish facility in the University of Illinois Research Park. The work can be demanding. He tells me that artificial intelligence writes terrible code, but it sometimes saves time to let AI have a go first. Bobby cooked dinner almost every night this year. He invited the missionaries to dinner every week, and sometimes twice when there was a holiday. He accompanied James on a school trip to Boston. I can’t imagine traveling with over 40 11-14 year-olds…airports, hotels, walking around Boston itself…but they both survived.

Bobby in a few words: steady, faithful, confident

Bobby’s superpower: turning to God first when things get tough

Susan is me. I made several trips around the continental U.S. this year, inching closer to my goal of cycling 50 miles with my friend in all 50 states before she turns 50. People always ask how many states we have left (10), which states have been my favorites (North and South Dakota, New Mexico, and Arkansas), and when we are going to Hawaii (Winter 2026/27).

I refurbished almost 50 bikes in my garage this year for a local thrift store. The garden and my church service suffered a little as I just couldn’t give either of them as much time as they needed. Managing Matthew’s anxiety has been a major force in our family this year. It has been very, very difficult. Other interests and relationships have had to wait. I have, however, tried to make time for these things, and I appreciate everyone who’s been there for me in person or in spirit. Walking at the dog park with my sister has been GREAT! And I have fun doing statistics for my clan in my new favorite video game “Total Battle”

Me in a few words: flexible, a little awkward

My superpower: this year, it was resilience. And hope. Sometimes hope is a superpower.

Lukas (formerly Alice/Alex) turned 18 this year and graduated from high school. He worked all summer as a nature camp counselor, which he swears he will do until he graduates from college and moves to Germany. Just before starting college, Lukas sought testing for autism and received a diagnosis. He says it explains a lot. Lukas flexed his adult muscles by getting a few more piercings, taking on a couple of tattoos, and starting testosterone therapy to develop more masculine physical characteristics. And, while I don’t fully understand his choices, I do like to see him becoming an independent and self-directed adult. He’s a freshman at Southern Illinois University (Carbondale) majoring in German Studies and Psychology. He’s there on scholarship, which includes one year abroad in Germany or Austria. His friend group is loving and supportive, he’s got the sweetest boyfriend, and his classes are just challenging enough to keep him on his toes. His school is 3 hours away by car: the perfect distance to be home when you want to be home and to be far from home when you want to be far from home.

Lukas in a few words: bold, Gen Z to the core, edgy, colorful

Lukas’ superpower: instant and intense passion for whatever has his attention at the moment

Robert is in 10th grade this year at Urbana High School. When Lukas moved out and Matthew’s anxiety led to a much quieter household, Robert started coming out of his room more. Some people just do better with less stimulation. Robert is deliberate, introspective, and driven to improve every aspect of himself. His humor is dry and understated, clever, mildly sarcastic, and largely based on observation. More than one of his quiet, well-timed comments has made me burst out laughing uncontrollably. Even in public. I feel like he’s a totally new kid this year. Actually, he’s the kid that his teachers and church leaders always told me about, but who never made an appearance at home until now. Robert is doing well in school. He’s pushing himself in every discipline. Math is still his most intuitive subject. He’s in Pre-Calculus, and decided to study Calculus on his own and take the AP exam this May. Robert has made a lot of physical changes this year, too, growing leaner and much, much stronger due to regular workouts at the gym. He’s a pretty good driver and looks forward to getting his license in April. 

Robert in a few words: smart, focused, meticulous, driven

Robert’s superpower: a patient focus and an analytical mind that causes him to quickly improve on anything he decides to work on

 

James started 7th grade this year. He’s carefully shaped his school image into something of a mischievous rascal. He decided this year that he was going to keep up on his assignments and earn decent grades (last year was NOT like that). And he has! Proudly. Another change we saw this year was our painfully shy and self-conscious James suddenly singing solos on stage, in costume, in front of his peers and their families! No sweat. Loved it. Hammed it up with all that rascal charm. James redesigned his bedroom this year into a perfectly normal-looking sitting room with a bedroom hidden in the closet, only accessible through a full-sized dresser that he converted into a secret entrance. He also built a hill cart from scratch out of a 55-gallon drum. He created a personal armory out of scraps of metal, wood, and assorted hardware. He experimented with model rockets. He constructed a raised garden bed. He co-managed a Summer Kid Camp at our home. He took down a tree and butchered it into firewood with a chainsaw (supervised). He spent hours a week at Art Club painting the canvases that now decorate his private sitting room. 

James in a few words: rascal, a little stubborn, big ideas, a maker

James’ superpower: creative resilience and a sure-I’ll-try attitude

Matthew started 5th grade this year. It’s been a rocky year for this guy. It started with chronic, disabling anxiety that still hasn’t gotten much better despite 12 months of medication, regular therapy, and an extensive series of accommodations at home. We know these things take time (sometimes a LOT of time) but we’re hopeful there’s a less anxious balance out there for him. Fortunately for us, school is Matthew’s happy place: he has friends, he loves his teachers. His 4th grade teachers noticed some issues that eventually led to a diagnosis of dyslexia. He does NOT enjoy the extra hours of tutoring and reading/spelling therapy this requires, but he does the work. After school, Matthew is in the Dungeons and Dragons Club where he acts as the dungeon master for his group. He likes the story-telling aspects of D&D, and being the dungeon master allows him to shape the narrative and reign in unruly behavior. Matthew competed in archery this year (loved it) and started taking gymnastics (also loved it). He not-so-secretly wants to become Spider-Man.  

Matthew in a few words: a pleaser, friendly, anxious, and woefully apologetic for being so anxious

Matthew’s superpower: resisting sweets. He’s just NEVER in the mood for them.

          

Love,

Susan

Lukas Update

Lukas sent me this after he read the last blog post :)

***

LUKAS

German: Doing great with comprehension and speaking. Grammar needs some work but whose doesn’t. Working on the last few grammatical rules before there’s basically no more.

German Business: Comprehension is PERFECT. Or as perfect as it would be in English but this is business so… yeah. Connecting grammar rules into the assignments and conversations. Writing full paragraphs/emails in German with little to no corrections needed.

Speech: Super boring. Doing great in speeches, a little nervous but that’s normal. Done with 2 out of 4 speeches this year and currently working on number 3.

Ethics: Great understanding of topics, participates in discussions and brings up questions to further discuss with classmates.

Psych of Personality: So boring that it’s difficult to pay attention in class. But the material is so memorization based that it’s easy to just catch up on facts that are needed for memorization.

Forensics: A little behind, but only in my schedule which puts me three weeks ahead of the due dates. Fascinating material, but watches the videos on x.75 speed because the professor talks SO SLOWLY.

Extra Curricular/Free time: Reading a lot more, teaching myself Danish, playing Minecraft with Ian, sleeping

Friends: Doing great with my set group, making other new friends as well!

Now you’re updated on my life too!

Parent-Teacher Conferences March 2026

I'm writing this down here while it's still fresh on my mind:

JAMES

Science: participates really well, loves to tinker and think about the next step. Engaged, engaged, engaged. Great personality. Encouraged him to go to science summer camps at the U of I. When asked, they said he struggled with a few kids in the class, but he keeps his distance and is mature about it.

History: Engaged, engaged, engaged. She wishes she had more time to just sit and discuss history with him. Great questions, really thinking about the subject and its implications. Very active participant in class discussions. On written tests, he doesn't always answer in complete sentences, use correct grammar, or write as much detail as she asks for, so that hurts his overall grade.

ELA: agreement with the grammar issue, but she's seen a lot of improvement this trimester. Again, he's completely engaged and insightful every single class period. Active participant in discussions. This teacher is also with him during the lunch period. She says his usual lunch group started talking about things that he didn't want to participate in. He talked to them about it, talked to teachers about it, and ultimately decided to sit somewhere else for lunch. He wasn't the only one from that lunch group to split off. She said he handled it with incredible maturity. No drama.

French: he struggles with French grammar and doesn't always follow the written exam instructions, but he'll always work diligently on making corrections afterwards. He's an active and lively participant in class. When he reads out loud in French, she says it's like he's on stage. Lots of dramatics and artistry. She thinks he would benefit from more one-on-one instruction and taking the time to really understand the grammar. 

Math: this is currently the hardest unit of the year. James struggled at first, but now he's getting it. He's incredibly responsible, engaged, and tuned in during class. He uses his time effectively, listens to the teacher's pointers, and incorporates those tips into his work. 

Art, PE, Music, Dance, Drama...these teachers weren't part of the Parent-Teacher Conferences.

MATTHEW

Math: he gets the math concepts, he just needs significantly more time to complete the assignments. He's taken 3 standardized math tests this year so far. In the first two, he earned the EXACT same below-grade score: mid-4th grade. That kind of surprised his teachers because he didn't struggle with comprehension. On the most recent one from a few weeks ago, he scored mid-6th grade level. It took an extra hour to complete the exam, but she feels it's a better representation of his understanding.

ELA: standardized tests for his grade max out at mid-8th grade level, and he's been hitting that consistently for reading and comprehension. Handwriting, spelling, grammar, and punctuation are still a struggle, but his teachers have seen some improvement this trimester. His once-a-week tutoring with one of his teachers has been a great help keeping him caught up on his work in every subject. She says he doesn't need much "tutoring" per se, because he understands the tasks and follows the instructions well, but he gets a lot done with her there. When he's mostly caught up, he's less anxious, and he can do more.

Social Studies: this is more of a discussion-based subject compared to the other two. Matthew is consistently one of the most involved students in these discussions. His teacher has found Matthew's depth of empathy and compassion remarkable. Matthew said recently that social studies has become one of his favorite subjects. 

Both of his teachers mentioned that Matthew's difficulties with school aren't intentional/lazy or any sort of intellectual issue. He just needs more time to do everything. He'd rather turn in an incomplete project on time than ask for a later deadline, even though he's worked on it consistently and knows exactly what's missing.

I asked about 6th grade next year...which math track would be a better fit, if they knew of any tutoring options, tips for transitioning...

We all agreed that while he was technically capable of the higher level math class, he would probably do better in the regular grade-level math that works at a slightly more relaxed pace. 

His current teacher and tutor said she would be willing to continue as his tutor next year. I almost cried on the spot. There are so few things that other people can do to help Matthew directly (and therefore relieve some of the pressure/weight on me/us). This woman can help. It's just an hour of her week keeping a kid on-task, but it's an enormous relief and blessing to ALL of us. I don't think she understands how important she is to me in particular.  

As for Matthew's transition to middle school, it'll be kinda rough, like with most kids, but he's got a few things working in his favor. First off, it's the same exact same school and half of his teachers will be the same ones he's already seeing for specials. Second, he already has friends and extracurricular activities he loves. Third, I know the 6th grade core teachers and they're great. Finally, he's got a big brother in middle school who has gone through this and can commiserate. He'll be alright.

Both of his teachers have noticed a change since Matthew started taking the higher dose of ADHD meds. He asks his ELA teacher clarifying questions more often. He seems to get more done in class, too. So, it's not a miracle cure, but it's progress.

I didn't get to speak with any of the "specials" teachers. 

I did meet with Matthew's psychiatrist this morning. We talked about his progress and what more can be done. We tweaked his med regimen just a bit, too. I asked about addiction/dependency on these ADHD meds. He likened it to wearing glasses. Is that a dependency? He reminded me that Matthew's brain is still developing. Medication now helps him refocus his attention on positive neural pathways and practice putting aside the anxious ones. The less time he spends on the anxious ones, the weaker they will get. The more time he spends on pursuing other rewarding behaviors, the stronger those will get. Will he ever go off of the medications entirely? No clue. But that's not the goal right now. 

Time. 

Patience. 

More time. 

More patience. 

I got this.

Good things

Robert's happiness has improved SIGNIFICANTLY over the last 6 weeks. He's making progress on all sorts of personal goals...strength training, driving, schooling. He has a sense of humor at home. He's patient with the boys' noise. He's even offered his friend a ride in our car with me. More than once. We've developed a new pattern of communication. It's been a while since his last prolonged discussion/argument with me over painful minutae. Yesterday, he even said, "I'm glad you're my mom AND my friend." I asked him what the "friend" part entailed. He said the "mom" part is all the stuff I have to do for him, and the friend part is all the other things like chatting about health/nutrition, joking back and forth, and the tiny acts of kindness/service I do just because I know it matters to him. I think I just figured out Robert's love language. 

Matthew has experienced a series of good moments, too. I'm recording them here for a couple of reasons. First, when all this anxiety is sorted out in the future, I don't want to forget how hard it was and how beautiful small moments like these could feel. Second, if this is a turn for the better, I want to document when it started.

1) We had an honest discussion with his psychiatrist where Matthew and I finally felt heard. Matthew even opened up a little. Our current hypothesis about Matthew's anxiety is 2-fold. First, he's anxious about everything, but especially anxious about things that are difficult for him. Second, he's genuinely riddled with guilt about being anxious about these things that are difficult for him. So, he avoids things out of anxiety, then feels guilty about it, which makes him want to avoid it even more, which leads to more guilt/avoidance/anxiety, etc. His doctor recommended sit-down dinners with the family and ice cream in the shower. It makes sense in context, I promise. 

2) It's the Sunday before school starts, 8am. Church is now at 9am (instead of 12pm), and Matthew just realizes both facts. Cue the paralyzing anxiety and guilt! He hasn't been to church in a few weeks. I remind myself that he's already beating himself up about not being able to go to church. I ask him how far he feels he can go today, and throw out a few scenarios: get dressed and sit in the chapel? get dressed and sit in the foyer? sit in the foyer in play clothes? sit in the foyer in play clothes with the tablet? So on and so forth. He decides that he can sit in the car with me while we watch Sacrament Meeting on Zoom, and I can run into the foyer for the Sacrament itself. He was actually giddy about it. He has his limits, but he hates that his limits prevent us from doing what others need/want to do. So, in this scenario, I get to attend my meeting, take the Sacrament, and he listens stress-free. That's as close as we've gotten in a long time.

3) It's Monday morning, the first day back at school after the winter break. Matthew is in a crazy good mood. I keep bracing for it to fail, but it lasts. It lasts through to the moment in the car when he picks up his backpack to leave...and it's dripping wet, all over his clothes. His lunch drink had leaked everywhere. Cue the screaming, frustration, and disappointment. There are a few desperate moments when I think I can pull this together in the drop-off line, but no. Matthew needs to change his clothes. I turn back home. Matthew is completely freaking out in his seat. Two minutes later, he's quieter. Two minutes later, he recognizes that this is a special case where being late is out of our control and his teachers will obviously recognize that. A minute later, he's digging through his lunchbox calmly assessing the damage. It's not that bad. At home, he changes clothes, then we assess the damage throughout the rest of his backpack. Some important papers get wet, but he asks me to write a note explaining the situation (just so they didn't think he was eating/drinking sloppily while doing his work) and he's happy with it. He's fine with a new backpack for the day. He's in a good mood and making jokes on the way back to school. He gets out of the car and waves goodbye.

4) It's Monday evening. I'm 15 minutes late picking them up from archery practice, and Matthew is fine. They give me a raised eyebrow and tease me a little, but that's it. Matthew even tells me he did his homework during the downtime. Who is this kid?! 

5) It's Tuesday morning. We are just about to leave for school when Matthew remembers he didn't do ALL of his homework after all. I brace for impact. The kid asks for a pencil and calmly finishes his work in the car on the way to school. There's one more thing he has to do on the computer, so that can't be finished now, but he says, "It's okay, my teachers will understand." 

Writing these situations out, they seem so trivial and mundane. These are things that normal kids do all the time, right? We get five normal moments in two days and I'm blogging about it! I might even cry.