Thoughts on Thinking

I'm losing pieces of me. Pieces that are surprisingly connected to my self image.

Is this a natural and normal part of parenting small children? I have found it gets much, much worse with sleep deprivation. By necessity or choice, the end result is the same:

• I can't find the words I'm looking for. Hence, I can't compose my thoughts well enough to share them by voice or written media. Composing my thoughts is how I process my life and find solutions. If I can't express myself, I end up spinning my wheels doing the same thing over and over.
  

• I am easily distracted, even when I'm by myself. I've started doing things impulsively and spontaneously because if I don't do it while I'm thinking about it then it might never get done. Tasks aren't completed "in order of importance", but rather "what I can get done in the time I have right NOW." Urgency trumps all. My days are largely thrown together in a mish-mash of hasty, last-minute decisions. I'm not fond of that feeling.
  

• I've lost the focus to look at a task list and plan an appropriate strategy. It's frustrating that I never know what I'm going to get done and what I'm going to flake out on.

• My short-term memory is shot. Did Alice ask for milk or water? What was I just talking about? Oh yeah, didn't I ask you that just five minutes ago?

I don't like these changes very much. Incapacitation. Like I'm stumbling through life.

Fortunately (?) for me, it's taken 3 days to write these thoughts into a blog post. I've been thinking about this topic, composing my thoughts off and on as I can, but the blog post has focused my attention. You have no idea how therapeutic this is :) It has already brought a few solutions to mind. It turns out I need quiet thinking time for planning and processing. I've asked Bobby for a few minutes of "quiet focus" help (i.e. engage Alice in play while I plug my ears and think in another room) a couple times over the last couple days and I've actually made some progress. This will take practice and creative ideas, but now I know it's possible.

Another solution requires a subtle change to my own parenting behavior/style. I think. I tend to focus 100% on the kids in my charge (except when I've got friends to chat with, ha ha ha). Even when she's happy and cooperative, Alice's nonstop dialog interrupts my thoughts. When I hear her, I can only think of her. Even if she's playing with someone else somewhere else, if I can hear her then I'm focused on her. Same with Robert. I wish I could turn it off sometimes. I hear and respond to everything she says, most of the time. It's exhausting. It's disruptive. It's a natural part of parenthood, right? Probably not to the degree I've allowed it to become. I need to work on letting go of the kids. A little. Just enough to take back some of my processor.

And I need sleep. Sleep helps everything. Really. Both kids are asleep right now in the middle of the day. If I weren't so hungry, I'd fall asleep myself. Kinda sad to spend my precious quiet time doing something so mundane as eating lunch :)