Whoops and Forgiveness

This week at the farm, I didn't look closely enough at the instructions I was given:

"GH and HT. Wrapping tomatoes higher up their strings."

It took some time to figure out Greenhouse and High Tunnel. I saw "tomatoes" and figured I was being asked to do what I had been trained to do the last time I worked with tomatoes (field tomatoes). There were two volunteers that morning that I directed to prune and trellis the tomatoes as if they were field tomatoes.

Some time later, one of the more seasoned volunteers casually asked what we were up to. The way he asked about it gave me reason to pause. I checked my instructions again. There was no direction to prune. Just trellis. I, and the two volunteers I had personally instructed, had just taken 75 minutes to butcher hundreds of tomato plants. We had pruned off hundreds of dollars of potential revenue for the farm and their mission to feed needy families.

My stomach sank to my feet. I was disgusted with myself. So, so humbled. So, so angry for making such a stupid mistake. A costly mistake. A mistake I couldn't fix. Ever. Not even close.

I couldn't look my boss in the eye. I told him he should fire me, and I meant it. He was kind, though. He didn't get angry, even though he was upset. He said mistakes happen and if every farm hand got fired for making a mistake, there wouldn't be any farm hands left. Or farmers.

If he had docked my pay and condemned me to three weeks of compost duty, I would have gladly taken it. Instead, I got forgiveness. And that was a lot harder to take.

Talking to my friend at lunch today, this incident came up. We both would rather work and suffer to pay for a mistake than accept forgiveness outright. In our discussion, it became clear that repentance (be it earthly or eternal) requires 1) humility to admit a wrong and 2) humility to accept forgiveness when there is no possible way to repair the damage, and when you don't even want to forgive yourself. That second bit is especially tough for someone so fiercely independent and proud as me. Still working on that.

I am grateful for forgiveness, though. Grateful I do get to continue learning at the farm. I certainly won't make THAT specific mistake again, even if I make a hundred others :)