Anxiety Revisited

Last year, the week before Christmas, I went crazy. Or you can call it a nervous breakdown. Or maybe an anxious episode? For just about a month, I wasn't a fully-functional person. I remember that darkness and uncertainty. I remember so much fear. And love. There were people who loved me. I could feel that love in my best moments. But it was hard. And scary. And it felt like it would never, ever get better.

A year later, things are a whole lot better. A few small relapses, but nothing nearly as incapacitating as last Christmas! I'm still on a low dose of anti-anxiety/depression meds, and I'm seeing a therapist once a month or so to address triggers as they pop up. My body has done a good job letting me know when it's time to slow down...my forehead flushes, my gut gets overactive, appetite loss, nausea, and immediate nervousness upon waking. Usually, I can get the symptoms to disappear by catching up on sleep, eating more/better, and taking my meds regularly. I have been really, really lucky so far.

Christmas is a crazy busy time of the year anyway, so I anticipated some increased stress. What I didn't anticipate, though, was the sick feeling I got seeing the Christmas tree back up. The stockings. The advent singing. Christmas carols. All of it is tainted with memories of dark, irrational feelings from someone not exactly in control of herself. It's not bad enough to make me hate Christmas, but I'm on edge. On guard. There's an emotional weight there that wasn't there in years past.

Alice doesn't like to talk about last Christmas. At all. She doesn't even like me to mention it. I figure the more openly and frankly we can talk about it, the sooner we can accept it for what it was and move on. Alice is afraid that talking about it will make it happen again. And I will confess that something inside me feels very much the same. But that's superstition, right? Here are the facts:

I've had slightly elevated but still low-grade symptoms for a couple weeks. My body wakes up about 5am and starts to whir through the day: thinking about relationships and schedules and to-do lists and sticky bits. I replay previous conversations in my head. I plan what to say in anticipated future conversations. My blood pressure rises. My heart rate goes up. Getting out of bed is harder than it was last month, but the good news is that once I'm out, I'm good. That anxiety stuff melts away. I'm pretty tired, but completely functional.

I have tried to trim everything out of this season that I don't absolutely adore or need. Delegation goes a long way, too. I just don't have the emotional strength to carry everything that I have in the past. Our friends/neighbors/family won't get treats or letters. No caroling. The only Christmas traditions we'll do this year are the ones the kids specially request. Which, so far, have been gifts ;) and a family party Christmas Eve, a Christmas countdown with treats (I linked it to Light the World, though, so they have to work for it--mwah ha ha haaaaaaa), and at least one advent sing with friends. I can do that.