Frustrated and Weary

I got news today that the library and the YMCA will also be closed until the end of March. Those  were the final closures that broke me.

I am frustrated and weary.

I really shouldn't complain: Bobby can work remotely and I'm already home full-time with the kids, so this mandated social distancing doesn't affect our finances much at all.

For some reason, over the last few weeks, I've been buying extra shelf-stable food and supplies. Was it a self-conscious response to the Covid-19 outbreak in other parts of the world? Was it inspiration? Was it simply the onset of spring? I don't know. But we are blessed to have a decently-stocked pantry and a neat little stash of non-food essentials, in addition to the food storage we've had for years.

Also, before things started getting hot locally, I happened to get all of our daily prescriptions changed to a 90-day supply and restocked.

We will want for nothing.

And yet...

...I grouch and pout and furrow my brow at how stinking INCONVENIENT this all is.

Saying that out loud makes my grouchiness sound even more petty...it's just inconvenient for me. I should be relieved and even happy, right? My husband has a job, my kids have a safe place to be during the day, we have resources to meet our needs, and so very little has had to change in our lives.

I feel selfish admitting that the biggest frustration I will experience in all of this is the same thing I already have to do every summer: give up my quiet alone time. That means giving up the time I would normally work on my own projects without interruption. Because (and herein lies another pang of selfishness and guilt) my children are not my only projects. There. I said it. My kids are not my end-all source of joy and satisfaction. In fact, I'm a happier and more balanced person when I have regular time to myself to work on things I love OUTSIDE of my children. Training for these triathlons has helped me build confidence and grit and pride in working hard. Learning to play the guitar has helped me build social skills and humility. Working in my garden forces me to slow down and process my life. I can't reap those benefits from those activities when I'm managing the affairs of my entourage. Having the kids home full-time means full-time noise and refereeing and supplying projects and cleaning up projects and four people wanting to converse with me at the same time asking for privileges and permission or trying to feel close to me or to process their feelings. And it's all on top of the work I normally need to do to keep the house and family functional. It's exhausting. Defeating. Crazy hard. Being present for my kids is important and fulfilling, too, and that's why I do it, but I recognize that it comes at a cost. That is something I do every summer.

And every pandemic, apparently ;)