I want something to blog about...

...but there's no time to process anything into a blog post, so you just get a list of things I wish I could talk out in more depth *sigh*

We've been a bit sick. Matthew shared his nice, hefty cold with me. Robert and James both had a night of throwing up. Bobby now seems to have the cold Matthew and I haven't quite healed from.

I tweaked my knee the other day. It hurt, but it's getting better. There's a sucking fear in the back of my mind that I may have (or could someday) injure my knees in a way that would rip the triathlon thing away from me. And the gardening thing. And the farming thing.

The book club book this month left me with a sick, sad, defeated sort of feeling.

Matthew says SO many amazing things these days. Just out of the blue. Today, he shared a particularly fantastic and useful suggestion on how to turn an argument into two people laughing. I didn't realize it was a strategy for him, but he's clearly thought about it as such, and I've seen him use it!!

I know it's nigh unto sacrilege, but I am sorely tempted to record one of James' family prayers these days. Sometimes it's a discourse on how God is with us during the hard times, sometimes it's a prayer of gratitude for the earth's rotation so we all get equal day and night hours, and sometimes it is a bald-faced plea for something very, very, very specific that he wants to happen very, very soon. I love that it's genuine, though. Perfectly genuine.

I'm also a little worried about my anti-anxiety meds. In a couple weeks, it will have been a year since my last anxious episode (I was in Phoenix with Allison and my parents). I would like to wean myself off of them and see if I'm okay without them. When I started taking them 14 months ago, the 1-year-without-an-incident thing was my plan. But now that I'm doing great, there's a little fear in the back of my mind that weaning myself from the meds could make things bad again. And the weaning process isn't without its difficulties, either. It could take 4-6 weeks for my body to go back to whatever it was without them. Maybe I'll be fine until one day I'm not. Then it will take another 4-6 weeks to feel normal again. Or maybe my lifestyle changes will be enough and I can leave the meds forever. I keep asking myself why I want to get off the meds. And the only answer I have is that I'm doing fine. But how do I know how much of the "fine" is from the meds?! Will I get the same warning signs I got before (loss of appetite, depressive episodes, nausea, weight loss)? Or just go straight to crazy? Won't know until I try, right? Doesn't make me want to try. The other factor weighing on my mind is that the longer you're on these meds, the harder it is to wean yourself from them. The weaning side effects get more intense. Who wants that?! That's only worth it if I really do need these meds to keep my brain in balance.

All four kids had their dental checkups today. No cavities yet. Not one for ANY of them. The longer this goes, the more nervous I get. The more nervous the KIDS get, too. Until they experience a cavity and the treatment for a cavity, all they can imagine is the worst, most horribly painful sort of fate for themselves.

Alice's English class has been assigned a book that makes her extremely uncomfortable: curse words on every page, gang violence, police brutality, and teenagers making immoral choices. Her teacher sent a letter to the parents acknowledging these exact things that could make the kids uncomfortable, but that the underlying messages of family connections, being true to oneself, and fighting racism make this novel a very moving and meaningful addition to the middle school English curriculum. I'm torn up about it myself. Alice doesn't want to read it, and I don't blame her. She continues to read it to fulfill her assignments. Her friend, G, is Muslim and does not participate in music or the dance portions of P.E. class on religious grounds. Could Alice refuse to read this book, or request an alternative assignment because this book goes against her interpretation of "For the Strength of the Youth" guidelines on appropriate books and media? Bobby and I told her that we would fully support her choice on this matter, either way, and she wouldn't get in trouble from us for having a lower grade in this class because of it.

Robert's primary teacher tells me he's participating more in class in productive ways. I asked Robert about it and he said the teacher has started bringing in a "speaking stone" or other such object. It's been different each time, but it's always something related to the lesson and so fascinating that all the kids in the class want to examine it closer. You only get to hold it if you're speaking, and you only get to speak if you're holding it. Clever teachers.

The kids and I had to enjoy the sunshine outside yesterday. Alice, fasting and looking for something to keep her mind off of it, asked if there was anything she could do in the backyard for me. Of course! I have a ton of garden prep to do , but I told her it feels like work to me and therefore isn't very Sabbath appropriate for me. She assured me that the garden felt NOTHING like work to her, only fun family time, so she felt it fit perfectly into her Sabbath Day plans. Robert was all on board, too. So, I had them start to take out the existing raised beds. They thought it was awesome. And, instead of fighting indoors out of cabin fever and hunger, both big kids were cooperating and having fun. On a related note, James and Matthew had a hilarious time finding new ways to play with our old outside toys. Bobby wasn't feeling well, so he let the indoor quiet rest his nerves.

I've started getting hot flashes and night sweats a couple times a month. Yup, that makes me peri-menopausal. My first mammogram is this week, too. Bring on middle age, baby!

James can be a real stinker and drive his siblings nuts, but all that craziness hides a very sensitive heart. Alice was chasing him and Matthew around the house today (the boys' favorite pastime of ALL time), but James really, really wanted to get caught like Alice was catching Matthew. When the game ended, James left sobbing. It turns out, Alice said she would catch both of them at least once, but never caught James. He wasn't angry about it (like he would be if it were Robert doing the offense) but intensely sad. He said it was like she didn't care about him. And he said that he didn't think telling her about her mistake would help because the moment was gone and he just wanted it so badly in the moment. I held him a long while in the snuggle chair. Robert came in a few minutes later, having missed the whole game and everything. James said something unrelated to him and Robert noticed the sadness in his voice. He asked why James was sad. I said that James could tell him about it later if he wanted to, but some things are private. Robert knows about wanting to keep private things private. He said he just wanted to know because he wanted to help James feel better. I was shocked. But that's not totally atypical for Robert. James smiled and giggled at the thought of Robert chasing him around the house and catching him, but only because that's how their fights end most often, and it's soooooooo not funny to Robert in those moments. Getting Robert to chase him down in anger/frustration is one of James' most powerful spells.