Tipping Point

Matthew has decided he cannot abide another trip to the YMCA Child Watch without a child he knows accompanying him. Preferably James.

I called a friend from church to ask if I could borrow her 2.5-year-old. When I told Matthew the good news, he asked, "Is she the one that pushes?"

Uh...um...

It didn't matter, though, because James opted out of preschool this morning for the Y. He never does that. Never. And I think he kinda almost did it to make Matthew feel better. Matthew refused to get dressed, wailing and sobbing and begging not to go to the Y without James. James heard this and said, "Okay, Matthew, I'll go to the Y with you."

Matthew choked down a sob and looked at him, "What? You come uh Y wif me?!"

"Yeah. I'll go with you."

"You wi-yill?"

"Yeah."

"Mommy! He wi-yill!"

Then James pops into his room to change into play clothes. Matthew stops crying, wipes his eyes, and gets all happy. Then I say something stupid because this was not what *I* wanted to have happen.

"Well, he might change his mind when Claire comes to pick him up." (It was more wishful thinking than an actual possibility, and I knew it, but I was mad at myself for giving James a choice I wasn't actually okay with him choosing. I wanted him at preschool! I only gave him the "Y" option because I was trying to scare him into going to school. Argh! Total backfire.)

Well, Matthew gets worried. When James comes out dressed, I hear Matthew run over to him and ask, "You go to uh Y wif me?"

(a little exasperated) "Yeah. I'm going to the Y!"

"Why? Is it 'cuz you luff me?"

James flashes his impish grin and his eyebrows go up, "No, it's because of the Y-Day Surprise*." Matthew giggled, completely satisfied that James was truly going to come. And that was that.

I had to cancel the preschool carpool. Still had to pick up the borrowed 2.5-year-old, who was delighted to come and had a great time, even though the boys didn't play with her once, and whose mother came to work out with me after a little while, and made my work out much more fun. So, it was actually better overall than if I had taken Matthew alone.

But.

This is a tipping point. I feel like there's a good resolution to my difficulties with this issue if I just look over the facts again.

Side note: James *almost* tried to run away when it came time to check him in to Child Watch, but then Matthew turned to him for direction/decision and James plunged in with both feet. This was a fluke. I don't think James would enjoy going to the Y regularly with me and Matthew again. There's a reason I exercise on preschool days.

Need #1: I need exercise, a few hours a week, to maintain a healthy mom balance.
Difficulties: The kids don't like going to the Y, even with bribes.

Other points to consider:
I prefer certain classes at the Y that are taught at specific times. Mostly weekday AM.
I prefer not to go to the Y on evenings/weekends, losing time with Bobby and the whole family.
I am motivated by the programs and offerings at the Y. Like nothing else.
I am motivated by the relationships I have at the Y. Like nothing else.
I am motivated by the professional level of child care at the Y. Like nothing else.
I am motivated by the feeling of community at the Y. Like nothing else.

So, it doesn't make sense to solve this difficulty by trying a different/closer gym or exercise regimen (e.g. videos at home, stationary bike) because I would lose all of those powerful motivators to get the exercise I need. The Y works for me right now.

Need #2: I need time away from James, a few hours a week, to maintain a healthy mom balance.
Difficulties: James doesn't like to leave me, even for friends, loving teachers, and an endless supply of fun, age-appropriate activities at preschool. I don't like to ask friends for childcare favors because it affects my relationship with them.

Other points to consider:

It's hard to get James to go to preschool, but he tolerates it fine once he's there.
It's harder to get James to go to the Y, but he tolerates it fine once he's there.
He's happy to leave me for a play date with one of only TWO kids.
It's hard to set up a regular play date for him that I might not be able to count on or reciprocate**.
It's hard to predict if he'll come to hate a regular play date, too.
James coming to the Y makes Matthew happier to come.

Well, heck! That simplifies things tremendously. This will be hard for James, whatever I choose :) and my gut tells me he will resist anything regular that I set up. I think the preschool thing is best for James. He has fun once I'm gone, and it allows me to meet BOTH fundamental mom-balance needs with minimal suffering on his part. It's settled: James stays in preschool.

That leaves only Matthew's unhappiness.

If James stayed the same and Matthew loved going to the Y, I would happily keep things just the way they are. Matthew's unhappiness at the Y, though, jeopardizes Need #1. I feel threatened by it. I don't want to lose that important balancing point.

I was kinda planning on enrolling Matthew in preschool after Christmas anyway. He'll LOVE it. And he might help James like it more, too. Once they go together, I can cram all the unpleasant tasks they hate into those short 9 hours a week. Yay!

So, I guess I only need to find something that will work for us for the next 3 months.

My first thought was to put him in preschool earlier than planned. He'd love it, right? Totally. But at what cost? I'd be going from "free" child care to "$160/month" child care. Is that better than hating the Y? It's just different. I believe this is the simplest (and most expensive) solution to maximize everyone's happiness.

My second thought was to wrestle Matthew into the Y every time. He's small. Those child watch ladies are warm, but tough. They handle criers all the time, two hours at a time. They've got my back. It's the hysterical sobbing before and after my workout that might make regular exercise less rejuvenating for me. Then again, it would only be this ugly for 3 months. Can I permanently damage my trusting relationship with Matthew in only 3 months? ;)

My third idea was to change my exercise schedule to include one preschool day and one non-preschool day until Christmas. Compromise. That way, Matthew has James at the Y with him once a week. The major drawback being James' reluctance to go...he's bigger, louder, and stronger than Matthew...a lot more difficult to force into anything. And clever. He can unbuckle his seat belt in protest (and he has!). I can't carry them both if they go limp on me, and they're too young to leave one behind while I carry the other in. And the wailing and gnashing of teeth to and from the workout...what a spectacle! No, no, no.

My fourth idea was to up the "Y-day Surprise" incentive. I've tried some of that already. I asked Matthew what he'd like to do/experience after the Y to make him want to go. Nothing. More tears. He might not be old enough for a delayed gratification/consequence to mean something. That usually develops around age 4. James is a tough negotiator. He would only come willingly for something on the scale of a restaurant lunch, swimming at the pool, visiting a children's museum, or $10. Twice a week. Perish. The. Thought.

My fifth idea was to blog about it because none of the earlier ideas is an easy win :)

I welcome your thoughts on the matter. Is there something I'm missing?

I do enjoy my time solo with Matthew. One-on-one is divine, no matter which kid I'm with. Here we are at the "train park." In the movie, he's saying, "Eeeeeee! Picture. Movie! Picture..."

*an invention from this summer to persuade all my children that they wanted to come to the Y with me twice a week. It's a bribe. Or maybe a mutually beneficial exchange between two equal parties. 

**friend playdates, unlike institutional child care, are subject to change due to illness and vacations and school holidays. I like that I can count on the Y's child care to watch my kid(s) every day I'm able to go. No cancellations. No rescheduling. No pressure on my relationship with the kid's mom.

James is 5!

How did that happen?!

Wow.

James and Matthew posing with the birthday cake

He had been talking about it for at least a month. His wish list and special birthday requests kept changing. I was not worried. I was thrilled to make his cake this year, which he described to me like this:

"I want a cactus cake with Darth Vader and a Storm Trooper standing on it and saying, "What the heck?!"

Ta-da!

The name thing was an add-on.

It took two days to make, but James was an integral helper and we were both pleased with the end product.

He also wanted a friend party. Hm. I don't like friend parties. I limit them to once every four years for EACH child (ages 4, 8, 12, and 16). He didn't want one at age 4, or I would have said "no" outright this year. I just don't like friend parties. And I didn't really like this one, either, but James did, and that's the most important part, right? He invited 3 friends. He prepared 3 games. He wanted cake first. Easy! It was pretty much a play date. With screaming and running. Lots of screaming and running.

Never mind that James and one of his guests licked most of the frosting off the cake when I wasn't looking. It was after the candle blowing, of course. The covert operation took place towards the end of the party.

Never mind that I took two minutes to use the bathroom and one of his guests ran out the front door in search of an adult to take her home.

Never mind that the party took up all of quiet time and Alice and Robert were devastated that there was no clean birthday cake leftover for them to enjoy when they got back from school.

Never mind that I've been putting off this blog post until I could write about it without screaming in frustration :)

If I could do James' birthday over again, I would have spent that time with him going places and doing things he wanted to do: library, park, pool, McDonald's for lunch, snuggle on the couch with a movie. It's the quality time that I look forward to on special holidays, not the parties. But then, had we done it my way, it would have been the birthday I wanted, not necessarily the birthday he wanted.

Ah, well, his next friend party is in 2020. I should be recovered by then ;) just as long as Robert's 8th (2018), Matthew's 4th (2018), and Alice's 12th (2019) don't kill me first.

Oh, James, I dearly love you. You are the one I think about the most these days. I spend a lot of energy trying to decipher your motivations and maintain the boundaries we've set. You also happen to be the child most attached to me, and you listen to me better than you listen to anyone else, which makes an interesting give and take all day, every day. You cling to me like an octopus when it's time to go to preschool or Primary, but you're almost always the first to wander off in public spaces. You explore. You imagine. You create. You try out your ideas, even if you know they might get you in trouble.

You read your siblings like a book and know exactly which buttons to push to create your very own fireworks display. Robert falls for it every time. EVERY time. But I think he does it on purpose sometimes because you guys have crazy, loud fun chasing each other around the house. You play rough, but the laughter is genuine. I love to see you play together. Even if it's loud. And even if it ends in tears. Half the time, you're the one crying. Half the time, it's Robert. I think those are pretty even odds.

I wonder if you will ever share a room with any of your siblings ever again.

I wonder how you'll adjust to kindergarten next year. Will you hate it? Love it? Cling to me? Run away? Make friends? Maybe a little of everything.

I look at your eyes...that impish grin...those dimples that mean mischief is afoot...and I wonder where you will take this life of yours.

I love to pull you close. I love to make you laugh. I love to hear your ideas for bringing dinosaurs back or stealing all the money in the world or catching the monsters that you blame for everything you don't understand.

You, dear James, are one kid I haven't figured out yet. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on a cactus with Darth Vader and a Storm Trooper saying, "What the heck?!" Happy birthday, dude. I am so, so glad we have each other.

James looking at me, not the photographer ;)

Most Recent Family Photo Series

A friend of ours took some family photos for us last weekend. My kids don't exactly perform for formal photographers, so I thought we'd start formal and move on to something more candid...something that would get REAL smiles and expressions from these people I've built my life around.

The winning family photo. My friend had to merge two photos into one, but it worked. James is *almost* smiling and Robert is...well...*sigh*...

Alice's portrait was easy. She even looks half-relaxed. Growing up, this one.

Robert hamming it up in his portrait. He HATED the polo shirt collar. Like a dog with a wound, this kid couldn't leave it alone for three seconds. I suspect the collar was partially responsible for his passive aggressive silliness. That, and, he's suddenly embarrassed to have his picture taken. Too soon, my boy!

James *almost* smiling. It took quite a few potty words to get this much out of him.

Not a natural smile for Matthew, but a cute one. Can this kid do *anything* that's not cute?!

Real smile! That's my Robert enjoying an arm wrestling match.

Real smile! Matthew and bubbles. Cute.

Kid tug-o-war. Alice holding her own against Robert and Matthew.

Determined James.

Whole family tug-o-war. You know I'm getting serious when I scrunch up my whole face. By the way, James is always on my side. Always.

Matthew's face is my favorite in this one. When challenge comes, he's scrunches up and grits his teeth (quite literally *shudder*) and gives it his all. I'm pretty sure he's pulling in the wrong direction, though.

I was so into the tugging that I forgot my friend was there taking pictures. I can be freakishly competitive (sometimes) and a poor sport at losing (all the time).  It's not a part of me that I'm proud of, but I get over it quickly (usually).

(Almost Sweet) Potatoes

James and Matthew kept me company this morning as I harvested my first ever crop of sweet potatoes. It was clear that some plants had spent all of their energy on growing ONE massive tuber. Others spread it out a little between more tubers of more reasonable sizes. We got about 30 pounds in all. 30 pounds!!!


When my friend had to cancel our play date this morning due to illness, I was bummed. James and Matthew love to play with my friend's kids! I wasn't sure how a trip to the "big garden" would ever compare, but we managed. It helped a ton that the boys didn't know there was a play date scheduled in the first place ;) James occupied himself with trimming dead things with scissors. Matthew played with his hand guys on the wagon and weeds. Once the potatoes were out, we picked tomatoes and some celery and fresh herbs. James found another caterpillar to add to his box of insect death collection.

You may have noticed that the title of this post is "(Almost Sweet) Potatoes." Well, sweet potatoes aren't that sweet when they first come out of the ground. They need to cure in humid heat for a week, then sit in a cool, humid cellar for 6-8 weeks before they start to get their characteristic malty sweetness. I kinda wish I had researched the "post-harvest" handling a little more before I put those puppies in the ground.

Oh well, I'll make do with what I have.

I have a hot, humid laundry room that houses the water heater. If we keep the door shut and the A/C vent closed, it stays a humid 80-85F all day. Perfect for the first week. It's in this period where the potato "heals" wounds from the harvest and activates the enzymes that convert starch to maltose.

Then there's the long wait...6 weeks from today is Halloween...throughout which the potatoes should ideally stay between 50 and 55F and 75% humidity. ACK?! Fridge is too cold. House and crawlspace are too warm. Even with a root cellar 6-ft deep, it wouldn't get that cool in September! Now I see the wisdom of delaying harvest until the last possible moment (mid-October).

Here's a sneak peek at some family photos we had taken this weekend by a friend. Actually, this one was taken by Bobby while we were waiting for our session to start. Please note that James and Matthew are both engaged and smiling at the camera. James was reluctant to perform for the photographer (like last time! and the time before!) so this is the closest to smiley happiness you'll see from him in this series. Alice and Robert, of course, are looking silly on purpose. Because it's funny. Of course it is. They did well for the real photographer, though. I think. I haven't seen the official pictures yet ;)

Chillin' at the U of I Arboretum.

Freestyle Breakthrough!

This is my official announcement that I am training for a mini/sprint/half triathlon next summer. I can only make this announcement because of a significant mental breakthrough I had yesterday in swimming. Before yesterday, I had only swum freestyle for 100 yards before half-drowning myself. I've never been so close to death. Ugh!

Yesterday, however, I swam freestyle for 500 yards and had energy for more!

What the heck happened?!

Two things:

1) I slowed down when I got tired. I do it all the time in running and biking, but it had NEVER occurred to me to slow down my swimming. Can't exactly think of why. Maybe I thought I would sink. Also, I decided to try a 1 minute breather after every 100 yards. The slower pace and extra breaks allowed me to keep up freestyle the whole distance, which is faster than the variety of strokes I was using before without the breaks. My time stayed almost the same!

2) I wore a swim cap. I felt kinda dorky, but I discovered in the Stoneman swim that the cap keeps water out of my ears. Huzzah! Without the cap, I was reluctant to turn my head as far as it needed to go (to breathe) because that happens to be the perfect angle to drop water straight onto my ear drum. With the cap, I could breathe so much better! My attention could finally focus on stroke.