James

This week was the first time I had heard a male cardinal sing in months. Winter is truly coming to an end.

James is going through another little renaissance. I wanted to record these things here before I lost them forever :)

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He's totally into fort-building. He'll take blankets and couch cushions and tables and cardboard boxes and turn any corner of any room into a real live fort. Then he'll furnish it with blankets and a lantern and spend time in there by himself or with Matthew. The other day, I found him plunking along on the ukulele in one of his forts. They make him happy.

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James and Alice spent a lot of time creating a leprechaun trap in James' room before church. Alice pulled me aside and asked if she could sneak in after bedtime and make it look like they almost caught a leprechaun. She thought it would be fun for the little boys to wake up on Monday and see that a leprechaun had been there. It seemed a little "Santa" to me, but she was so stinkin' excited about it that I said yes. A little time after church, James came running out of his room shouting, "Something happened with the trap! Something happened! Come look!" Apparently, a leprechaun had come to the trap and got away. He left a note and everything. Alice's eyes got REALLY wide. She hadn't done it. James had. James!! She laughed, "Sheesh! He beat me to it!" Matthew was all excited. He currently knows leprechauns are not real, but they like to play tricks, and one tricked us on Sunday, March 3rd.

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Most of James' socks are boring and indistinguishable. He has one pair, though, that looks like sharks are biting off his feet. He likes those a lot. I noticed yesterday, though, that he had been wearing that single pair of socks for a couple days and it was time for a change. I peeled them off his feet, much to his chagrin, and told him they needed to be washed, and I would wash them that day and he could wear them again soon, blah blah blah. Well, he wrangled them away from me and ran away. I got distracted with something else at that moment, but when I saw James again, he was, in fact, wearing a very boring, indistinguishable pair of black socks. Fast forward to the next day at bedtime and I see James peeling off his own socks...BOTH pairs...he had hidden his shark socks UNDERNEATH a pair of clean socks on his feet.

I called him out on it and he flashed his mischievous grin with those sparkling eyes (how does he DO that?!). Why do I love that look?! This time, it taught me something about myself...

I didn't really care about the shark socks. James' feet can stink to high heaven for all I care. How many times had he worn indistinguishable socks for a whole week and I never even noticed? Just these special ones caught my attention and I suddenly made a half-hearted attempt to do what I thought any other good mom would expect of her 6-year-old: clean socks. Have I ever asked that of any of my kids ever before? No. So, seeing that James had found a way to fly below my random-mom-insecurity-moment radar AND keep his favorite socks on for another day, I was impressed. I underestimate my kids all the time. This was a moment when I realized James was capable of more, and because it was over something I really, really didn't care that much about, James' single act of passive aggressiveness made me strangely happy. Clever boy.

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Another aspect of James' personality seriously resonates with me: he does not like to be told what to do, and being nagged brings out the dragon in him. The weekday morning routine is very well established in our household. He knows what he needs to do, he knows when we want it done, and he knows exactly how long it takes him to do each task. That doesn't mean he DOES it at the moments we would like him to, but it does get done. The other morning, I thought it would be helpful to bark at James to get dressed, since time was running short. He stomped off to his room, obediently, and then shouted from his dresser, "I don't like to be bossed around!!" It was at that moment I realized again that I don't like to boss people around, either. And I told him, in a normal voice, in absolute genuine honesty, "And I don't like to boss you around." We looked at each other for a moment and I saw something click in his brain. His brow furrowed a moment. Was it understanding? Did he see I meant it?

This kid. This James. I get it. Soooooo middle kid. Soooooo focused on making his own choices and doing things in his own time frame.

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He tells me he does not like to be recognized for doing good things for other people. For example, when he shares a limited resource or gives up the most coveted spot at family prayer to make someone else happy, if you smile and verbally praise him he gets all grouchy and lashes out and starts to pester other people. He literally told me NOT to recognize him for doing those things. Why? I don't know. But I remember feeling that way as a kid, too. It made me uncomfortable. I didn't want their praise. I didn't want the person to think I had done that for their praise.

James doesn't mind being praised for feats of excellence in other pursuits, though. Or for meeting a challenge you throw out at him. He set the dinner table the other day (gasp!) and loves to prove his strength by putting the couch bed away all by himself. When we give the kids the 5-minute choice for pajama time, half the time he'll dash off to get dressed and brush his teeth before the five minutes is up. The other half of the time, he is the very last to be ready.

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One day this week, James was bent on earning money. He vacuumed the living room all by himself. Alice offered him money to take ukulele lessons from her. All his earnings went into his special wallet. Alice asked him what he was saving for (why didn't I think of that?!) and he confessed that he wanted to buy Alice a present for her birthday next week. My heart melted, but I knew I couldn't praise him for that. Instead, I got down to business and set up a time with him to go shopping. He already knows what he wants to get her: a bouquet of pretend red flowers.

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40th Year Goals Update

In 2 days, I will be halfway through my "40th Year Challenge"...time for a progress report, eh?

Here are my goals as initially outlined, and a status update:

By the last day of my birth month next year, I will...
...spend 40 quality hours one-on-one with loved ones (spouse and children top the list, but there will be more) 
Bobby: 20.5 hours
Alice: 17.75 hours
Robert: 14 hours
James: 13 hours
Matthew: 12.75 hours

Halfway through, I should be at about 20 hours for everyone. Erk. I've kept up pretty well with Bobby and Alice. It's been harder to get 1-on-1 time with the boys. Even Matthew. I spend a lot of our time together running errands, having play dates, or wrestling to keep him in quiet time for half an hour.

...serve others outside my usual circle of loved ones (40 hours)
7 hours. Most of this time has been volunteer hours at the farm, but I also count time spent indexing historical records. I really ought to get cracking on this goal! Speaking of the farm, Sola Gratia just reached out to me with an offer for a farm hand job this summer. It feels all official this time, whereas last time was a volunteer gig that was serendipitously upgraded to a paid position. It's the same work, same hours I was planning on anyway, but an official offer makes it feel different...like my time and skills are in demand...valuable to them...a good feeling.

...train for and participate in at least one major endurance event (preferably a physical one, LOL)
The olympic distance triathlon is on hold for now. The training just seemed far too rigorous for the amount of time I wanted to spend on this goal. So, I've decided to run a sprint distance triathlon this May. It's the same race I ran last year. I'm hoping familiarity with the course will help me be more comfortable with everything :) I've been training 3 mornings a week for a few weeks now. The training makes me feel strong, and the endurance aspect is extremely appealing to me. I like finding a pace that is sustainable and chug-chug-chugging along. I still have plans for an olympic distance tri on the back burner, probably this summer and probably with a team. And I'm itching to make a century bike ride (100 miles) this year or next.

...master something new
Haven't done anything for this yet.

...do something that scares me
DONE! I volunteered to go to Girls' Camp. Erk. I will take on other things that scare me before the year is done, too.

...fix something that's been bothering me a long time
DONE! Therapy.

...go somewhere new (bucket list?)
I have pored over catalogs and websites. It turns out I don't really care where I go. I just care who I'm with *sigh*. So, that completely changes how I approach this goal. Gotta think about it some more. Not too much more, since trips take time to plan, but picking a place to go isn't the first step anymore.

Seeding

I'm back at the farm! Just a few hours here and there on their "Volunteer Days", but it's a good feeling. This morning I filled 30-something flats with potting soil and then planted 3000-4000 parsley seeds. John let me try a new contraption that vibrates the seeds down a little channel onto the soil, so it's much faster than my usual "pinch and release" method.

At first, working with the half-frozen potting soil, I lost all sensation in my fingers. That wasn't so fun. But by the end, I was plenty warm and feeling so useful and happy.

There were several other volunteers this morning, all from the congregation of the sponsoring church. What a crew! I hope that when I'm 65+, I will have friends as vibrant and fun as this posse. Someone brought key lime pie! Who doesn't want to hang out with friends and eat key lime pie?!

Or a wrestling rink:

Alice's latest baking creation: Silver White Cake with Vanilla Buttercreme Frosting. It's a wrestling ring with her about to take on Matthew. Spectators oo and ah from the sidelines.

New Year!

I don't usually make any resolutions on January 1st. At that point in the year, it still feels like the thick of winter and I'm off-kilter from the holidays. I'm not ready for change or rebirth.

This year, especially, with depression/anxiety being such a new experience for me, I had detached myself from many of my routines: at the start of January, Matthew was in 5-day preschool, I still had meals delivered to my house every week, and I didn't even want to look at a seed catalog. I needed these breaks early on, but by the end of the month, I found myself more than once in a "nothing to do" haze. I felt unmotivated. I had a long talk with myself. It was time to let go of the helps and take on more life.

I met with my therapist on Monday and we talked about this change. She mentioned something that I didn't think much of at the moment, but has become more interesting since. She said that after an illness, there's a period of time when you are well enough to function again, but not quite back to the way you were before. It's been 7 weeks since my first official panic attack. Crisis mode ended some time ago, and I've been in a bit of a haze/transition for a couple weeks. When the therapist likened this feeling to healing after an infection, it reminded me of something profound a midwife told me 2 weeks after my c-section with Matthew, "Feel free to act like a normal person."

So, while I don't feel like making resolutions for January 1st, there is another time of year when I feel a natural pull to start over and make goals for myself: Lunar New Year (spring). And I find it interesting that my decision to take on more life coincided pretty much with the Lunar New Year yesterday. It's the year of the pig, which is huge for Alice, turning 12 and all. And it's a meaningful new year for me, too, with so much growth happening right now. I wouldn't have celebrated the day much if our friends hadn't had us over for some LNY food and fun :) I'm glad we did celebrate it, though, because this is an important turning point for me. This week, especially:

My friend and I signed up to run a sprint triathlon in May. I've gone back to the gym for the first time in 9 MONTHS and it feels so good. I've lost stamina and cardio fitness, of course, but I'm still better off than when I started this whole tri thing last year. That feels good, too.

I contacted the farm and asked if there was any early season work I could do. John said yes! I got to work a bit this morning and they will begin seeding next week for their annual plant sale.

Matthew went back to 3-day preschool this week.

No more meal deliveries, starting this week.

I've roughly planned out my backyard garden. Nothing too extravagant. Just the veggies we know and love. 

So, it's a lot for one week. I know some of you are worried about that (I'm looking at you, Mom). But it's all stuff I've done before, and none of it is as intense as I've managed before. I'm getting into it slowly :)

Now to some recent photos...

Enjoying the one of the first warm days of the year at Meadowbrook Park!

Alice's first unsupervised attempt at flour tortillas.

Family Movie Night at the school. We got there WAY too early, but had pretty good seats.

Bored, bored, bored waiting to check out at the grocery store.

James' new bed is a doozy. He's so happy.

The ice sheet soccer field at the kids' school recently.

Another series of routine dental cleanings and exams. No cavities. For anyone. Seriously, guys, the longer we go without a cavity, the more tense I get. Who will be the first?!

Snow day at the indoor aquatic center

Matthew's weekend with "Freddy the Traveling Teddy"

James and Robert found both sets of toy handcuffs and went to town on each other.

A new job

The past two months have held a lot of changes for our family.  Along with the many that Susan has talked about here I also got a new job, so in the middle of January during all the fun changes, I had to take a week to fly out to California for orientation.  We did fine with a lot of help and small miracles.

I now work for Nvidia.  Prior to this, I spent almost 12 years at Yahoo/Oath/Verizon, and before that, I spent 4 years at Motorola.  This is really only the 3rd adult job I have had.  Susan finds it a little difficult to explain what I do so I will try and do it here.  At Yahoo, I worked on several big data open source projects.  This is software that lets people work on really huge amounts of data, more than can fit on a single computer, and try to make sense out of it. Nvidia started out making special computer chips to speed up graphics processing, mostly for games.  Many years ago they figured out that they could use these same chips to speed up a lot of other kinds of processing. Currently, they are used for scientific computing, games, and a lot of artificial intelligence, like self driving cars.  One thing they didn't do was big data. So my new job is to make these same projects that can process large amounts of data go much, much faster when people also buy chips from Nvidia.  The great thing is that I literally am across the street from the Yahoo office, so just like in Silicon Valley all I had to do was cross the street and find a new job.

The next few months are likely to be rather busy as my team tries to get something out the door and prove that this can work, but I am really excited about the possibilities of all this.