This week

I've got a pain in my left foot that's been really bad the last couple of weeks. Turns out I've got a teeny bit of age-appropriate arthritis in one metatarsal, and one bone that's a little longer than ideal. The solution is a funky pad in my shoe. It's already made a HUGE difference. Sweet relief. The foot doctor made an audio recording of our visit and used AI to generate the note for my chart.

James had a great visit to the dentist. Still no cavities, but when the dentist ran James' x-rays through an AI program, it identified two "weak" spots that could eventually turn into cavities. The dentist recommended a few extra things James could add to his tooth brushing routine to slow the decay and maybe even restrengthen those spots. 

Matthew had a rough weekend, but still not as bad as what used to be normal. By Monday morning, he was his "new normal" again and cracking jokes like a pro. He's full of big ideas and enthusiasm these days.

Robert had his first tennis match. Apparently, only the varsity team has scheduled matches. All the junior varsity kids just spar with whoever is free from the other team. Their matches don't count towards anything. Robert doesn't care. He had a great time and learned a lot by playing against strangers. 

Bobby hid the kids' Easter candy again this year. The kids really enjoy it. None of the hiding spots were ridiculous, but it brought to light how many nooks and crannies and little spaces we ignore in our daily life. You think you've searched EVERYWHERE, but you haven't. 

Our praying mantis died :( She didn't survive her final molting. Poor girl. She was about to get her wings!

Our baby chicks are growing quickly. We've moved them from James' room to the garage because they were just too messy and stinky to stay. Nova is obsessed with them. She has attempted murder on more than one occasion, and she goes ballistic if they're outside and she can't get to them. We have hopes that they will look less delicious when they're bigger, but who knows? This is a terrifically docile breed, quiet, super chill. 

I've started planting my garden. I lost some young broccoli and cabbage to bunnies who found a weakness in my fencing *sigh* but I've patched things up and will plant again. James saved some seeds from his giant Halloween pumpkin last year and planted them indoors. I had no idea how well they would sprout, so we planted them all, but it looks like 95% of them survived. We have a TON of pumpkin seedlings now. More than will ever fit in my whole garden. I've told him to pick his 10 favorite seedlings to plant outdoors. No more. I also know he's devising ways to sneak in a couple dozen more. The stinker. 

James and Matthew are at the end of their archery season. Matthew continues to get better and James has made SIGNIFICANT progress. Matthew still loves it, James still hates it *shrug*

I don't have much of an update from Lukas. He's been pretty busy with school. He did send me a picture of a chocolate lemon meringue pie, though, which made me gag. Thanks, Lukas.

Even more progress...

In the last week, Matthew has:

--seamlessly slept in his own bed every night

--attended dinner with us naturally every night

--happily read scriptures out loud during family scripture study every night

--attended church in-person, in church clothes, on a pew in the chapel, for the whole hour (his own idea)

--successfully completed one night of homework at home for the first time in 6 months

--sat on the couch to read quietly

--brushed off countless triggering comments and situations 

--had only three panic episodes

--baked jam cake

--initiated several big projects

--made significant progress developing his own epic Dungeons and Dragons quest

--decided that he likes to get to school really early

Some of these miraculous changes are becoming commonplace, but I still get a catch in my throat every time he hops out of the car at school after a successful morning. This has been an enormous relief to our family. Astounding. Unbelievable. 

We laugh together more. 

We have more conversations of all types.

More light, more warmth, more hope. It's like spring.

More changes...

Last night, Matthew ate dinner with us and chatted happily. That's new.

Later, he hopped off the computer and declared, "I want to do a big project!" He brainstormed with Bobby and Robert and spent an hour cutting cardboard and going through the dress-up clothes. Also new.

He joined us for family scripture study and read out loud with us. No tablet. Totally new.

He worked on his project a little more and then went to bed, no anxiety. Unbelievable.

This morning, he woke up and hopped into the shower. Unprompted. No warning. I was completely taken aback and asked him why he did that. He replied, "I just wanted to feel clean and help myself wake up more." 

"Did it work?

"Yup!"

I'm still utterly flabbergasted.

He got dressed, ate a hearty breakfast, and went back to his project until it was time to leave for school. Tweaking and adjusting things, collaborating with Robert some more. Who is this kid? Is this what normal Matthew is like?

When it was time to leave, he experienced a series of delays and unexpected issues: the only clean socks were long socks so he had to change from pants into shorts, then he tried on several pairs of shorts and they didn't feel right, so he went back to pants and wore the long socks with pants. All of this he did on his own without meltdown or coaching or coaxing from anyone else. He just considered his options and made decisions like some other regular kid. Then he realized he had to use the bathroom. He started to get concerned about being late. Concerned, not anxious. I assured him we were still within our normal leaving time. He believed me. He actually listened and calmed himself. We got in the car just fine. As we drove, he voiced his feelings about the timer his teachers put up on the board before class starts. He listed all the things he needed to do before that timer ran out and the school day officially began: change his shoes, unpack his bag, get his workbook and supplies. Calmly. He was talking about something that stresses him out. Out loud. With words. Then he suddenly remembered that I needed to sign a couple things. No meltdown. He just pulled them out of his bag and handed them to me nonchalantly. Like a regular kid. 

LIKE A REGULAR KID!

I'm still in shock.

A little relief...

It's been 5-6 weeks since Matthew's new medication regimen started. The last couple of weeks, we've seen a series of minute and yet remarkable moments that indicate we are headed in the right direction...

SPRING BREAK

--Matthew stayed out in the house with us MOST of the time. There were only a few hours in the week where he had to retreat to his bed and stay under his blanket.

--There were several instances when he and James did not agree, or something Matthew did made James upset. James flared up, Matthew grew concerned and held firm. They TALKED about it. Even if they didn't end up agreeing, Matthew was OKAY. He brushed it off. Months ago, he would have retreated to his room screaming "sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry" and stayed there for hours. 

--Matthew agreed to one outing a day, and he DID IT. Once or twice on these outings, he started feeling anxious, but then he was able to refocus. He had a great time. For hours. 

--He got dressed for these outings WITHOUT PANIC. 

--He ate dinner with us a few times.

--He volunteered to pray a few times, even when it wasn't his turn.

--He participated in family scripture study a couple times without a tablet in hand.

OTHER DAYS

--I told him about a summer class for kids his age and he actually WANTS to go. He is excitedly anticipating it. He'll be writing/coding a 2D video game.

--Talking about our family vacation this summer, I asked him about several possible excursions. He decided that he wanted to try the gondola ride over the forest. He said, "I know that I'm really afraid of heights, but I think that once I'm on it and it gets going, I'll like it and be really glad that I went."

--There was a thunderstorm and tornado siren after bedtime one night. He didn't like it, but he calmly hung out in the bathroom with us and GLADLY/GRATEFULLY went back to bed afterwards.

YESTERDAY

Sundays are the worst. They have been so, so hard. Yesterday, however, even though we were running a little late, Matthew kept a calm (cheerful?) attitude. Realizing it was Sunday did NOT trigger a panic attack. Asking him about how much he could do at church that day did NOT trigger a panic attack. Matthew usually attends church over Zoom in the car in the parking lot with me or Bobby. Then we pop into the foyer for the sacrament, and go back to the car for the rest of the meeting. He decided this time, however, that he could take the sacrament IN THE CHAPEL. I was completely flabbergasted. It was Bobby's turn in the car, so I sat in the chapel near the back door. When the sacrament hymn started, I wondered if Matthew would actually do it. A second later, he plopped into the pew next to me. He was nervous. He was still wearing pajamas. He was snuggled right up close to me gripping my arm, but he was smiling and HE WAS THERE. We participated in the sacrament together. Amazing! Then, he said he was thirsty. I figured this was the end of his visit. Nope. He got a drink at the water fountain and CAME BACK. He stayed in the pew for the rest of the hour-long meeting. Later, the bishop and Matthew's quorum leader both commented on how amazing it was to see Matthew in the chapel. They have been working with us for months to help Matthew feel more comfortable at church and weekly activities. 

TODAY

The door to the yellow bathroom somehow got locked while no one was in there. This is the kids' main bathroom, and James was already tired and grouchy about school starting again, so he made a comment that it was Matthew's fault. Weeks ago, this would have derailed the ENTIRE morning. Matthew would be in tears, completely panicking, unable to dress or speak, and probably end up 1-2 hours late for school. Instead, Matthew said, "It's just a locked door," and went to get dressed UNPROMPTED, UNFLUSTERED. James persisted in his accusation, which irritated Matthew a bit more, but not to the point of being upset. Bobby fixed the door, James and Matthew finished getting ready for school WITHOUT FURTHER INCIDENT, and everyone got to school on time. 

Make no mistake: these are small (and not so small) miracles. 

Even if things get bad again (or worse) tomorrow, these days still happened. If things can get this good once, I have a greater hope that they can get this good again. That's one thing that pulled me through my second mental health crisis some years ago. I knew normal was possible, no matter how broken and dark everything seemed at the moment. 

2025 Christmas Letter (in March)

Hello Friends and Family!

Here is a (way too long, way too late) year-end update on our family. Usual disclaimer: I love reading these sorts of things from other people, but I don’t expect everyone to feel that way. If this letter ends up in the recycle bin without being read, you won’t hurt my feelings. At all. Truly. 

Bobby is still working as a software engineer at NVIDIA at a smallish facility in the University of Illinois Research Park. The work can be demanding. He tells me that artificial intelligence writes terrible code, but it sometimes saves time to let AI have a go first. Bobby cooked dinner almost every night this year. He invited the missionaries to dinner every week, and sometimes twice when there was a holiday. He accompanied James on a school trip to Boston. I can’t imagine traveling with over 40 11-14 year-olds…airports, hotels, walking around Boston itself…but they both survived.

Bobby in a few words: steady, faithful, confident

Bobby’s superpower: turning to God first when things get tough

Susan is me. I made several trips around the continental U.S. this year, inching closer to my goal of cycling 50 miles with my friend in all 50 states before she turns 50. People always ask how many states we have left (10), which states have been my favorites (North and South Dakota, New Mexico, and Arkansas), and when we are going to Hawaii (Winter 2026/27).

I refurbished almost 50 bikes in my garage this year for a local thrift store. The garden and my church service suffered a little as I just couldn’t give either of them as much time as they needed. Managing Matthew’s anxiety has been a major force in our family this year. It has been very, very difficult. Other interests and relationships have had to wait. I have, however, tried to make time for these things, and I appreciate everyone who’s been there for me in person or in spirit. Walking at the dog park with my sister has been GREAT! And I have fun doing statistics for my clan in my new favorite video game “Total Battle”

Me in a few words: flexible, a little awkward

My superpower: this year, it was resilience. And hope. Sometimes hope is a superpower.

Lukas (formerly Alice/Alex) turned 18 this year and graduated from high school. He worked all summer as a nature camp counselor, which he swears he will do until he graduates from college and moves to Germany. Just before starting college, Lukas sought testing for autism and received a diagnosis. He says it explains a lot. Lukas flexed his adult muscles by getting a few more piercings, taking on a couple of tattoos, and starting testosterone therapy to develop more masculine physical characteristics. And, while I don’t fully understand his choices, I do like to see him becoming an independent and self-directed adult. He’s a freshman at Southern Illinois University (Carbondale) majoring in German Studies and Psychology. He’s there on scholarship, which includes one year abroad in Germany or Austria. His friend group is loving and supportive, he’s got the sweetest boyfriend, and his classes are just challenging enough to keep him on his toes. His school is 3 hours away by car: the perfect distance to be home when you want to be home and to be far from home when you want to be far from home.

Lukas in a few words: bold, Gen Z to the core, edgy, colorful

Lukas’ superpower: instant and intense passion for whatever has his attention at the moment

Robert is in 10th grade this year at Urbana High School. When Lukas moved out and Matthew’s anxiety led to a much quieter household, Robert started coming out of his room more. Some people just do better with less stimulation. Robert is deliberate, introspective, and driven to improve every aspect of himself. His humor is dry and understated, clever, mildly sarcastic, and largely based on observation. More than one of his quiet, well-timed comments has made me burst out laughing uncontrollably. Even in public. I feel like he’s a totally new kid this year. Actually, he’s the kid that his teachers and church leaders always told me about, but who never made an appearance at home until now. Robert is doing well in school. He’s pushing himself in every discipline. Math is still his most intuitive subject. He’s in Pre-Calculus, and decided to study Calculus on his own and take the AP exam this May. Robert has made a lot of physical changes this year, too, growing leaner and much, much stronger due to regular workouts at the gym. He’s a pretty good driver and looks forward to getting his license in April. 

Robert in a few words: smart, focused, meticulous, driven

Robert’s superpower: a patient focus and an analytical mind that causes him to quickly improve on anything he decides to work on

 

James started 7th grade this year. He’s carefully shaped his school image into something of a mischievous rascal. He decided this year that he was going to keep up on his assignments and earn decent grades (last year was NOT like that). And he has! Proudly. Another change we saw this year was our painfully shy and self-conscious James suddenly singing solos on stage, in costume, in front of his peers and their families! No sweat. Loved it. Hammed it up with all that rascal charm. James redesigned his bedroom this year into a perfectly normal-looking sitting room with a bedroom hidden in the closet, only accessible through a full-sized dresser that he converted into a secret entrance. He also built a hill cart from scratch out of a 55-gallon drum. He created a personal armory out of scraps of metal, wood, and assorted hardware. He experimented with model rockets. He constructed a raised garden bed. He co-managed a Summer Kid Camp at our home. He took down a tree and butchered it into firewood with a chainsaw (supervised). He spent hours a week at Art Club painting the canvases that now decorate his private sitting room. 

James in a few words: rascal, a little stubborn, big ideas, a maker

James’ superpower: creative resilience and a sure-I’ll-try attitude

Matthew started 5th grade this year. It’s been a rocky year for this guy. It started with chronic, disabling anxiety that still hasn’t gotten much better despite 12 months of medication, regular therapy, and an extensive series of accommodations at home. We know these things take time (sometimes a LOT of time) but we’re hopeful there’s a less anxious balance out there for him. Fortunately for us, school is Matthew’s happy place: he has friends, he loves his teachers. His 4th grade teachers noticed some issues that eventually led to a diagnosis of dyslexia. He does NOT enjoy the extra hours of tutoring and reading/spelling therapy this requires, but he does the work. After school, Matthew is in the Dungeons and Dragons Club where he acts as the dungeon master for his group. He likes the story-telling aspects of D&D, and being the dungeon master allows him to shape the narrative and reign in unruly behavior. Matthew competed in archery this year (loved it) and started taking gymnastics (also loved it). He not-so-secretly wants to become Spider-Man.  

Matthew in a few words: a pleaser, friendly, anxious, and woefully apologetic for being so anxious

Matthew’s superpower: resisting sweets. He’s just NEVER in the mood for them.

          

Love,

Susan