Unexpected Self Discovery

Those who have known me well for some time know that I'm a planner. I thrive on having a well-thought-out and deliberate path to walk, with numerous strategies on hand to tackle surprises and potential snags. I'm only flexible with snags that are not a complete surprise...whether that even qualifies as "flexible", I'm not sure.

Anyway, even Alice's arrival didn't change me much because I had planned that she would require me to be more flexible. It was a deliberate action on my part---all part of the plan---to move away from TO DO lists and toward a more fluid schedule that moved more easily around naps, feedings, diaper changes, and the moment-by-moment life of raising a child. I had therefore planned to become more spontaneous as the need arose. There seemed no contradiction. It felt entirely consistent with who I was and what I wanted with my life.

And then, recently, it all fell apart. I had been working with some friends to put on a little get-together. The night before the event, I'm feeling like I'm on top of everything. We've got people who've RSVP'd, we've got the location and snacks lined up, it's all fine, right? Wrong. I realized then that I had not thought it through. People were coming to this event with certain expectations that I had not even considered. As the questions came pouring in, I realized my "plan" was a farce. To a planning kind of person, this is the ultimate shame. It was akin to one of those horrible dreams where you're at school and suddenly you realize you're naked.

*sigh*

How could this happen? How could I feel like everything was under control when it was absolutely NOT under control? I talked it out with Bobby and decided my "go with the flow, take things as they come, and make do with what's on hand" attitude that had made life so pleasant at home with Alice had spilled into other arenas of my life. These other arenas do not bode well with that kind of approach. My work, my volunteer responsibilities, and my personal relationships with other people have all slipped. I just didn't realize it until I was finally confronted with this event.

So now I need to find another balance. Re-align my thoughts and attention so that I am flexible and easy going in some bits of my life but also thoroughly well-planned and scheduled in other bits. I wonder if that's even possible. In some strange way, this feels inconsistent with who I am. Actually, it's just plain inconsistent. A double life. Double standard.

Can someone live happily while straddling these two totally different approaches to life?

How do you turn off one way of thinking and turn on another? It seems possible if you are working in one location and then being spontaneous in another (like a physically and temporally separated employment life and home life), but how does that work when you're trying to be well-planned and scheduled in the small chunks of time your spontaneous schedule permits? You're constantly switching between the two mindsets.

I think I might go crazy. This will take much more thought to find my healthy balance.