When we first moved to Illinois, Bobby's dad told us that the friends we made here would be our dearest friends for the rest of our lives. I didn't believe him. How on earth could this place be any different from everywhere else I had lived and made friends? It turns out that it's not the place that's important, but the stage of life. These truly are the best friends I've ever had. And even when they move away, we're still close (well, as close as I get to "close"). I never would have believed it without experiencing it myself. There's just something about that "new family with infant" stage that sticks people together like glue. Anyway, it gets harder and harder for me to make new friends as my kids grow up and my life becomes more and more different from the lives of new grad students moving in every summer. I sometimes wonder if I've passed that unique window of opportunity that Bobby's dad so wisely brought to my attention. I wonder if it's too late to make lifelong friends. I do have good friends, of course. More than I can manage to see regularly most weeks, and I've never had that problem before :) It's a fine problem to have.
I do wonder about the future, though. Most of these good friends are slated to leave at some point. They have no intention of staying. And while each one of them will certainly graduate to a "lifelong friend" relationship, I still like to have someone to sit by at functions, someone to swap date nights, and someone to invite to a birthday party. Y'know? What's more concerning is that I will have a child in school next year. Moms with kids in school tend to have very busy, very full, very complex lives that are hard to penetrate. I've tried several times ;) The ease and flexibility of toddlerhood has passed, even if there's still a toddler in the home. Life is rigid again. It's different. It's harder to begin new friendships. So what happens when friends leave faster than I can make new ones? Is that the next chapter? Does one throw her life into her family and coast on those friendships that she made before? Will I emerge at the other end with an empty nest and few friends to call my own? If so, I need someone to tell me now so I can prepare for it.
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Ok, do it with me now, deep breath IN....and then OOOOOOUUUUT. ;)
ReplyDeleteEmbrace the transience. Live in the now. Treasure the handful of lifelong friends you have now, enjoy the transient friends you have now, and trust that new friends will come along. Maybe one or two will become lifelong friends, and the rest will slip out of your life at some point. That's ok. That won't leave you lonely in 15 years. Do you still keep in touch with ALL of your college roommates and lab partners? Of course not. Did you make other friends? Of course you did.
Alice going to school will cut you off from some potential friendships but introduce you to new ones. Each phase of your life will be different and throw you into new arenas. I know that's not easy for you, and it's not something I relish either, but try not to cut yourself off.
And whatever you do, don't choose the "immerse yourself in your children to the exclusion of all others" route. That WILL leave you lonely.
Just remember, Suz, nothing in life has to be all or nothing. There is such a thing as balance. And to throw in my current life-mantra: "If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse."
I'll get off my box now. :)
One thing I've decided to try is to make friends with the parents in Will's kindergarten class. Will is making new friends in his class, why not me?
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